I Look Like a Fool For Nothing!!

Our late blog-friend the GCC scolds me every time I'm sighted biking without my helmet. I'm foolish, I know. There's no excuse, even for a gay man who needs unmolested hair at all times. But I literally did a LOL today on the Metro while reading my latest Scientific American magazine. Link to article

Men Are Becoming Superfluous

Let's think about my reasons for having a man:

• Confidant/entertainment


• Sense of love/acceptance


• Sex


• Massage


• Cuddling


• Shared home/expenses
  

I've begun to analyze these points and determine whether I have them in my life, especially given the ever-increasing technological breakthroughs of the 21st century. Let's face it, the older you get, the more successful relationships become less about sex and physical attraction as fun and entertainment. If you have a great set of friends--which I'm slowly accumulating--what's the need for a bf? Granted, those friends may never love you, but they provide that much needed sense of acceptance. Then there's sex: the mother of all components for a young gay man...but let's face it, we all admit that jerking off is just as effective, if not better half the time. And once I start taking yoga, I'll be able to lick my own ass and give myself head. Or I can just become a bottom and experience the joys of vibrators/dildos/plugs/beads. Now I've always admitted that a good massage is much better than sex, and leading the active lifestyle that I do with constant walking, biking, gym, and swimming, I'm always in need of a good rub-down for my many sore muscles. Enter my new partner: the Homedics shiatsu massager.

I no longer need a man to rub my back, shoulders, or feet. And the best part? This one can go for hours. I think last night I literally let the thing work out the knots in my back for 2hrs straight. Put it on the floor....feet are taken care of. And no complaining about hands being tired. Couple that to a nice big body pillow, and you've got all the physical needs for having a man covered. Now I just need to find someone to split my overly inflated DC rent costs.

BAM!!

Following the lead of my dear swim-wife the Arian-Mexican Offspring, I've decided to post recipes that I make that turn out well. By recipes, I mean creations or ConsummateAries-originals. I cant remember the last time I followed a written recipe while cooking (which is why I don't bake), so bear with me...there are no measurements when I cook...just a sprinkle of this or that and a dash here and there.

With that said, this weekend I tackled a food that I have never attempted to cook before, and only rarely attempted (read *was forced*) to eat: brussel sprouts (BS). The bane of dining for most children. I figured that I could improve upon them. So here's what I did....

• Prep the BS by cutting off the bottom stem nub, halving, and removing the tough outer layers of leaf; wash and set aside


• In a large skilled over medium heat add a little olive oil and 1/4 lb of diced thick slice bacon; render out the fat (but leave in the pan) til crispy


• Before the bacon is completely crispy, add 1/3 diced Vidalia onion and two diced garlic gloves; sautee


• Add the BS, sautee for a few minutes, stirring occasionally


• Add at least 1/2 cup of white wine or apple juice to the hot pan to deglaze; let the alcohol burn off for a minute; cover and simmer


• When the BS are tender, add 2tbs of butter to the pan to thicken the sauce

Always remember to continually taste for salt and pepper (or other seasonings as you go thru the cooking process)

Show Me the Money!!

Yet again, we're approaching the end of the 2007 fiscal year, which means that in order for the government to (theoretically) function, a new annual budget must be passed starting October 1st. And yet again, Congress has yet to provide such a spending bill. Now we all procrastinate on some things, and turn in other projects late on occasion. However, this task is becoming incredibly problematic for our Congress. Not only are they running late this year, they never passed a budget last year! Since the primary job of Congress is to (1) levy taxes and spend those taxes, and (2) create laws, they are in serious dereliction of their #1 job. I used to get pissed off when Congress would debate bullshit issues like gay marriage instead of coming up with important legislation such as gun control, health care, education reform, etc...but at least back in the good ole days they finished their primary job before dealing with the needless instead of the needed. What can be said about the last two bodies that we've elected?

The Brave One

On Saturday I finally got to see The Brave One, and I'm still living vicariously through Jodie Foster's character. I think anyone who lives in a urban area and needs to deal with human slime on a daily basis will thoroughly enjoy the flick. How many of us who ride the Metro every day, especially the Green Line, would love nothing more than to shoot the thugs that annoy us with impunity? But besides the revenge concept of the movie, it also reminds us that danger and violence occurs all around us...a walk through the park, the metro, convenience store, etc. Though I have yet (and I stress yet) to be the victim of violent crime, the movie instills the need for eternal vigilance, especially since I'm not permitted to carry a handgun or shoot any perceived threats in the face.

The Soprano in the Capital

...And the screen goes black. How do I describe my emotions today? Shock, dismay, sadness? A great thing has ended...the Gay Canuck in the Capital blog. I'm sure many of use are left wondering "Why?!" on this black day in September. Could it be work oversight, counsel from therapy, a lack of things to say (I seriously doubt it)? Whatever the reason, I'd just like to thank GCC for many hours of laughter, insight, and banter. And as I return to work on Monday, I'll have to find one more thing to do to waste time. Maybe take a shit TWO floors down instead of one.

When Tricks Go Bad

Joe, me, Ken

My friend Ken...how do I begin to explain him? First of all, he's latin--that is not mean to be prejudicial or stereotypical (although stereotypes are there for a reason). But he confesses that his lifestyle is due to his Colombian heritage. He's 37, probably doesnt have a savings account, no credit, and a rollercoaster of occupations. Oh...and he's probably ATL's biggest whore. His fuck list is extensive, everyone know's Ken. He estimates his # to be in the thousands. He's also the former captain of the gay soccer team in ATL, which has their World Cup in Argentina this weekend. His roommate is my best friend Joe.

So this week some of the soccer guys went to Blake's (the old standby bar in ATL). Ken, also an alcoholic, gets shitty drunk as always. The rest of the crew leaves Ken to his self-destruction. Apparently he closes down the bar, and walks the 2 blocks home with his trick-o-the-night. Problem #1: Ken passes out. The trick the proceeds to steal his wallet, keys, car, and Joe's laptop. Most pathetically, he also stole the box of cereal that Joe left out for the next morning's breakfast.

Problem #2: Joe's passport is in his stolen laptop bag

Problem #3: Its Wed morning, their flight to Argentina is Sat AM.

Problem #4: Ken files a police report, but has NO CLUE what the trick looks like. So they were basically robbed by the invisible man.

So Joe is in town now at the passport office, we'll hang out later. At least it gives me an opportunity to see him. Well he just called, so I'm off to entertain...more details to come.

What's Today?

I was very much looking forward to this week. My calendar at work, which I live by, told me that I had a 3D modeling course all Tues-Fri at 16 and K St...which meant I could roll out of bed at 9am, cook breakfast, and bike down the hill in 15min for a 10am start. And that's what I did on Tuesday. It was then discovered that the one stability in my life--my calendar--lied to me. Wrong week. In a tizzy I quickly booked a train to Princeton for a meeting I couldnt originally make. Got the last hotel room in the area, packed a bag, and off I went to Union Station. After a successful set of meetings, I've fully overtaken the Princeton research lab and made those scientists my thralls. *evil laugh*

Tomorrow: more meetings in two cities. Friday I'm taking off...story to come. So much for swimming each night this week!

Quick Thoughts

While walking down 16th St this morning, and seeing one of Columbia Heights' locals, I realized that the one thing fat, old, black women should NOT wear: pasley hankerchief/do-rag.

The Swarm

I'm not a big fiction novel reader, usually a story has to have some plausible tie to reality--which is why I typically only read historical fiction. The only true fictional books that I have read in recent memory were the J.R.R. Tolkien books (Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Simarillion), of course I enjoyed them, as I live for the movies. One of my coworkers convinced me to read a relatively new book, The Swarm. Its an oceanographic science fiction--which appeals to my inner marine biologist. Like LOTR, this book is HUGE...886 pages (and only one picture).

The Skinny on the Fatty Book:
I am a man of little patience when it comes to life, though I try my hardest when dealing with people. Let's just sat that a good 350 pages could have been edited out of the current version of The Swarm simply from unnecessary dialog and plot lines that are irrelevant to the final story conclusion. The author, Frank Schatzing, did an incredible amount of research for this book, and it seemed he like to prove it. Then there's the dialogue..."GET ON WITH IT!" (I kept hearing Monty Python scream that in my head) But if you're not an ADD reader like myself, and enjoy a good yarn, the story is quite fascinating--much like The Matrix in its ability to make you question your understanding of life and consciousness.

Major Plot line: Weird shit starts happening in the oceans--whales attack boats, deep sea worms destabilize methane seeps, toxic endoparasites are found in lobsters, etc. After the continental shelves collapse and a mega-tsunami wipes out all of northern Europe, it is discovered that all these problems are linked. The world, lead by the U.S. (odd since it was written by a German), tries to solve the problem combining scientific and military might. The revelation? A species of amoeba-like algae have evolved a consciousness much like, and superior to, humans. It is able to analyze and solve problems, strategize, and communicate. It can also invade and control any life form it interacts with. To overcome this threat, man must recognize that he is not in control of Earth.

Overall Grade: B

The Cyber Closet

Most of us reading this blog are proud to be openly gay citizens, though the degree of outness sometimes varies--are you out to just yourself, family, friends, coworkers, ex-girl friends? I'm not passing judgement on what degree is good or bad, we all come to that position of acceptance and comfort at different stages in our lives. However, no matter how "Out" we seem to be as gay men, there's still the last closet door that many are unwilling to open: admitting you met someone online.

Let's face it, we all do it. In fact, this medium, along with sites like Myspace, Friendster, Gay.Com, ManHunt, etc all promote online meetings. Where would we be without them? Hopelessly friendless or frequenting bars and bathhouses more often is my bet. So right...we've all met friends online. Why then are people afraid to admit to friends that they met someone online? Like coming out, it took me a while to feel comfortable saying it, but now I look back on how absurd online closets are. There's nothing funnier than the dynamic of standing with a group of friends at a bar, another acquaintance comes over, you introduce them. Inevitably the next question is "so how do you know each other?" In days past I might say, "Oh we have a mutual friend in Atlanta" or something else almost as believable. Now I say, "we met online"...and there appears the look of shock on both the faces of your group of friends and your "acquaintance"...HE SAID THE O-WORD!!

Now if you're The Imelda and drunk, you'll press even more to make the O-closeted acquaintance even more uncomfortable..."so which site was it?" I think that might be a step too far, I don't want to really "out" the person for being on men4menwholovechickensex.com or something of the sort. But I have no problems admitting it.

Creating the Mammy

Years ago we came up with term--a group lingo of sorts. Now its officially in the Urban Dictionary. Could this be my single greatest achievement ever?

Refer to definition #1

Continued Frustration

Two days ago the lawyer asked me out to dinner on Sunday, I happily agreed. Today I got a group email:

Hi boys,

Mark/Rick/Steve, a newby to DC from Texas, and I (also a Tex-patriot) want to find the best, cheap authentic mexican food our nation's capital has to offer. To do so, we intend to hit up every mexican-esque joint in the district. This weekend I thought this quaint little joint on Columbia rd just NE of 18th street would be a good place to start. I believe it is called Mex Tex.
I was thinking that Sunday night might be the best night to do it but am open to other suggestions.

Let me know if you are interested.
The Lawyer

So much for a quaint, romantic dinner...

Too gay to function

Hand Waving: Nature or Nurture?

I almost threw up this morning--and no, not because I'm fat and bulimic. I was watching CNN and they led a story with the line like "Politics...is it nature or nurture?" They then described a study whereby a group of scientists looked at regions of activity within the brain and were able to find differences between liberals and conservatives and seemed to espouse the nature side of the dichotomy. Naturally, this neural differentiation must imply that republicans are genetically different from democrats.

Ugh...what kind of bullshit are they trying to feed us? What kind of scientific reviewers/editors/writers does CNN employ? And what kind of journal was this study actually published in, if those were the actual points of their results and discussion?

Basically, if there was a genetic basis, two conservative parents would have a very slim to no chance of having liberal kids. AND unless there is some middle aged gene activation, you wouldn't see the trend to become more conservative with age. Also...how about me? I grew up in a republican household, voted for Dole in '96 (god, I'm so ashamed), and shortly thereafter came to my senses--once I broke out of the thought control of my parents when I was about 19.

Though it might allow me to sleep better at night to know that republicans are potentially just mutative freaks of nature.

Streaking

In today's Washington Post Express, there was a story about a burglar who had to flee the scene of a crime without his clothes, after a fight with the homeowner. I'm not sure which is worse...the fact that he was burglarizing, or he had to run around Duluth, MN naked. I'm pretty sure it never gets above 0 deg C there.

So what crazy streaking stories do you have? My neighbor recently regaled a group of us with his story of streaking down Connecticut Avenue in Cleveland Heights on a weekend night.

Inertia

Few things instill a greater sense of disgust in me more than morbidly obese people. I guess I see it as complete laziness. I've exercised almost daily for my entire life. Cant people just go for a walk for 30min three times a week? I constantly yell/lecture my mom on this issue, as she has struggled with weight gain. Granted, some degree of obesity may be genetic, due to other health conditions, or even virally induced. However, it can usually be controlled to some extent. My mother is probably like the 90% of fat Americans...she's just lazy. The day she gets a hover-round, I'm gonna lose it.

This morning on my walk to the metro I encountered an Orca-fat person riding their hover-round down the side walk. At 600lbs, that must be some battery and motor. The amazing thing: she was seat belted into it. Even though Newton stated that "every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it," I seriously doubt a little jolt is gonna send that 600lb amorphous blob flying through the air. More likely, that object that is resting 95% of its life will stay resting. But if it did lose contact with the seat, 1. I'd be scared or 2. I'd have to laugh.

Foot Orgasms

I have an intimate relationship with my feet. As such, I need a partner who understands this, supports the relationship, and will satisfy my desires. This weekend I found one. You've all read about The Kid, and he was he who helped me discover this relationship. We were shopping at Pentagon City Mall when I saw my future partner from afar. Top level, somewhat inconspicuous. There it was...Clark. The Clarks store has brought joy to my life.

My attire at work is formal to business casual, either way I'm wearing dress shoes. Herein lies the problem: dress shoes aren't compatible with my 6 block walk to the Metro each way. In the year and a half I've been living in DC, I've gone thru 6 pairs of dress black shoes--or worn them enough to know that my feet deserve better. Like with men, I don't fuck around, I dump em as soon as I am confronted with even the slightest sign of incompatibility. But alas, I think I've found a true partner. Its amazing to see the evolution of shoe choice, it parallels my taste in men.

I started off with, of course, the cute Kenneth Coles. You know they look good, you think they're comfortable. But after I few weeks you tire of them. However, you keep them around for the rare dress occasion--dates, weddings, etc. Sound familiar?

I then moved on to some comfy Bass dress shoes. I actually had a pair of these before KC, but wore them out and decided to try something new. I came back to the old-standbys. They're similar to the KC's, but more walkable. Gave up after 3 months. This would be like my ex Greg, the hot caucasian Enrique Iglesias look-alike. All the features ya want, just not made for long-term durability.

Next was the Rockports. Not as cute as the KC's or Bass, but distinctive and good looking nonetheless. I still wear them. And for $75, you cant beat the comfort they provided. But alas, things wear out, and you must move on. As we used to sing in the Brownies, "Make new friends, but keep the old...one is silver and the other's gold." These are my "AtlWreck" of shoes...always gonna be there at some level.

At one point I started to question the overall comfort of the Rockports and decided to go completely with function over form. Enter the Merrell "dress shoes". Whenever I put them on, I thought of myself as the Monster from Young Frankenstein--Peter Boyle wore shoes with exaggerated soles. Eventually, my gay gene kicked back in and I couldn't wear these anymore. Plus I think they were worse for my feet, as I now have planter fasciitis. I'd compare these to the unnamed ex that we all have--we make some compromise and decide to go out with them only to realize it was a big mistake. Never compromise!

And then the skies opened, and there was sunlight. I bought a pair of Clarks as my dress brown shoes a while ago, they're great. I considered getting the same ones in black. Good thing I constantly procrastinate purchases. For it was then I discovered the Clark Privo! line. They're like wearing slippers...so comfy, great for walking, not horribly styled either. I probably could get away with them even in a suit for work--especially since straights dont look at shoes like we do. And they weren't nearly as expensive as those crappy shoes they sell at the stores on Connecticut near Dupont Circle--overpriced, and not really for walking. I have yet to find this man.

Alas, I'm happy again. Now if only I can get someone to rub my feet at night!

The Kid Report

The common assumptions when meeting guys from online:

• Add 25lbs
• Subtract 4 visible abdominal muscles
• Subtract 2 penis inches
• Add 5 years
• Add 1 octave to natural voice

So given those assumptions, I always have relatively realistic expectations when meeting people online. Luckily I had seen all the goods of The Kid from years of chatting, swapping pics, talking on the phone, and caming (back when people did that). But there's still room for surprise. I must admit, I was very pleasantly surprised with how the weekend turned out. He was cuter, same body, much bigger, and more down to earth than I expected. We did everything but get drunk--amazing for two gay guys, as bar/clubs are the social norm. Hopefully he'll come down for some more visits, I'm sure I'll head to Pittsburgh once or twice. No expectations, its just good to have fun in life.