Ode to Carolina

Carolina...my old home; my old friend
Why are you so unable to change?
Evolution may be considered farce, but occurs nonetheless
Except in Carolina

Yes...that was my lame attempt at poetry. Aries, being too black and white, are best not expressed in verse, but rather succinct prose. So anyway...yesterday I took a 1 day trip to Asheville for some meetings. I had high hopes of getting "something" out of this trip. But like most things in life, I was disappointed.

The disappointment occured at many levels, starting off with having to get up at 5am. WTF?! I didnt even realize that was a real time. Granted, I know it "exists" on the clock, but there are many things that we say exist, but in reality do not--like dominant bottoms. Besides a lack of sleep (and coffee), I had to drive 2hrs each way because Ashville has like 2 planes that land and take off each day from its airport. I arrived late, meetings were cancelled and rearranged, and I l got home at 11pm with the sense of "wow, I should've just had a telecon". I wont belabor this point, but just have to gloat and say..."TAKE THAT MEXICAN!" for a hellish 1 day trip to NC.

Commitment

Over the last few years--a veritable drought when it comes to successful dating--I've wondered whether I am relationship capable. As mentioned before, I've never held a relationship with a guy for more than a year. Sad. And at 30, I felt like my biological clock is ticking *pounds foot on the floor a la Marissa Tome.* I mean, if you cant have at least ONE successful long term relationship in your 20's, when you're energetic and good looking, can it be done with such ease later? Well to make a long story short...you all know about The Musician--to whom I affectionately call "lesbian" due to his emotional, relationship-oriented nature. I definietly had a period of "Let's wait and see; We need to take it slower; Let's not rush into this." While I knew that was the healthy thing to do, I still had GCC in the back of my head screaming that I'm 'cold'. Well I think I've emerged through all of that now, and am better for it--or should I say we are.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is the old adage. Between my week-long trip to New Orleans--facing temptation from all the guys there, and this unforunate law-related incident that we've had to deal with (not to mention him living in South Bumblefuck), I've realized that this really is (as Martha would say) "a good thing."

So here comes the committment part...yesterday before sending him off for the weekend, we booked a cruise for the weekend after my 30th birthday--I was planning to be in FL for a swim meet, and I also wanted to treat myself to something nice. And what is better for relaxation, pampering, and fun than a cruise? So this is what we're doing (link). So yea...now I'm locked into the guy til after April. But that's just fine by me.

Reasons Why I'm Gay (III)

Wives are so fucking annoying.

As I was standing at the back of the line for my flight from DCA to FLL on Dec 19th, I was next to a couple on their way to Puerto Rico (we were all on the same flight to FL). The line was the entire length of Terminal A at DCA (the old part), and we only had 1 hour until takeoff. I wasn't worried since the airline was not about to close the gate on us, with 3/4 of the passengers still in line for their only flight of the morning. But no...the wife next to me was freakin out. "We should've never flown Spirit", "Lets just leave", "I really just want to leave". She obviously had 1. never flown before or 2. is a complete retard and waste of oxygen. My vote is on #2. The big black girl (the type who loves her gays) and I just starred at each other, obviously both sharing the desire to strangle a bitch. I think the husband was also resisting that temptation--obviously he's a castrated, non-Aries.

Eventually she wore her husband down enough (when there were only 15 people ahead of us) to just leave without even trying to make the flight. That means they just threw away $500. At least if the gate closed while they were trying to check in, they would've received some sort of voucher. Nope.

Fuckin chicks!

Never fly Spirit Airlines

Happy Ho Ho everyone! I'm back from the holiday break, and in my office (hence blogging) on Dec 26. You can imagine how empty it is, given its a federal building. My week off was pretty uneventful--went to FL to see the parents...did some scuba diving, drinking, shopping, etc. But the real story/lesson that came out of this trip was the title of this blog "Never fly Spirit Airlines". I post this twice hoping it will come up when someone Google's Spirit Airlines.

I've blogged before about my willingness to pay for quality, though usually this hasn't applied to air travel. Until now. I started flying Spirit years ago when they first emerged as a no frills airline catering to the golfing crowd. Living somewhat near Myrtle Beach, I could catch a very cheap flight back to PA at a moment's notice. Never had any problems...the staff was efficient and polite, everything went smoothly.

It seems that they've changed their business model a bit. It is now (officially) "You only pay for the services you want." For instance, a checked bag costs $5-10, a coke/water/coffee is $3, etc. That's fine with me...I rarely check bags, and always bring a bottle of water on the plane. But what killed me was their totally fucked up check-in system. Their online check-in doesn't work and they don't have kiosks at the terminal, which means that EVERYONE must go to the ticketing counter to get a boarding pass to get through security. At DCA, this meant a 1 hour wait in line (for the only Spirit flight that was departing that morning). At FLL it meant a line that stretched outside the terminal, down the sidewalk, and over to the next terminal entrance. No wonder...it literally took at least 10min for the desk attendant to check me in. For some reason she had to get print-outs from the back room. I guess they cut costs by only having 1 printer for everyone to share. A true measure of their inefficiency was the fact that all other terminals in the airport were absolutely empty. Not Spirit. Their antiquated systems more than quadrupled the time needed to get from drop-off to the boarding gate.

So my advice: pay the extra $100, fly Delta, US Air, Jet Blue, etc...its well worth it.

The Musician

Sorry I've been away for so long--I know you're all starving for juicy gossip. Between work and men, I've been quite the busy bee lately. Let's break this down a bit...

Work: This week I've done 4 states in 4 days. Monday: Delaware; Tuesday: Ohio; Wednesday: Maryland; Thursday: Florida. Much of this is related to our much anticipated, largest annual conference in New Orleans starting January 20. And for those of you in the government and contracting sectors, you'll be quite amazed that I've somehow gotten work for free out of a contracting company, albeit the one I work for. What a coup!

Men: I've been dating a guy for the last two weeks. Longest streak in years! I really enjoy his company--and even the Mexican has given his initial blessing, though the Imelda is quite jealous that he's taking away her husband, I suspect. I am resisting getting sucked into the lesbian relationship, so I'm going to start setting some ground rules soon--otherwise I'll never get to the gym, swimming, or see my friends. Cant have that. Plus he likes to be controlled, so I'm sure he'll go with these restrictions.

Oh right...he is called "The Musician" because he plays in a band. No, not some 930 Club'esque gay punk band. Nope, the Air Force ceremonial band. He plays the euphonium. Sexy? Well, at least when he's wearing the uniform it is!!

What's Today?

I was very much looking forward to this week. My calendar at work, which I live by, told me that I had a 3D modeling course all Tues-Fri at 16 and K St...which meant I could roll out of bed at 9am, cook breakfast, and bike down the hill in 15min for a 10am start. And that's what I did on Tuesday. It was then discovered that the one stability in my life--my calendar--lied to me. Wrong week. In a tizzy I quickly booked a train to Princeton for a meeting I couldnt originally make. Got the last hotel room in the area, packed a bag, and off I went to Union Station. After a successful set of meetings, I've fully overtaken the Princeton research lab and made those scientists my thralls. *evil laugh*

Tomorrow: more meetings in two cities. Friday I'm taking off...story to come. So much for swimming each night this week!

The Kid Report

The common assumptions when meeting guys from online:

• Add 25lbs
• Subtract 4 visible abdominal muscles
• Subtract 2 penis inches
• Add 5 years
• Add 1 octave to natural voice

So given those assumptions, I always have relatively realistic expectations when meeting people online. Luckily I had seen all the goods of The Kid from years of chatting, swapping pics, talking on the phone, and caming (back when people did that). But there's still room for surprise. I must admit, I was very pleasantly surprised with how the weekend turned out. He was cuter, same body, much bigger, and more down to earth than I expected. We did everything but get drunk--amazing for two gay guys, as bar/clubs are the social norm. Hopefully he'll come down for some more visits, I'm sure I'll head to Pittsburgh once or twice. No expectations, its just good to have fun in life.

I'm still the world's best son!

My mom made her second official visit to DC this weekend, overall it went pretty well. Luckily, my A/C outage was fixed just shortly after she arrived on Friday, which made the logistics of entertaining mom much easier. To summarize the weekend's events, I'll bullet:

• I've never driven so much in DC, it was a nice change. I'm still a parallel parking Ace.
• My aerobed sleeps very well
• She thoroughly enjoyed going to swim practice, it brought back many memories from my youth and she always loves meeting the gays.
• We shopped and shopped, taking full advantage of her SUV: two trips to Target, Linens n Things, Best Buy, Home Rule, etc. Mostly housewares; no clothes shopping
• Watched three movies over 2 days: The Bourne Ultimatum (great movie), Hot Fuzz (very funny, but would be funnier with friends as opposed to mom), Underworld (we love monster movies)
• Ate at Logan Tavern @ The Heights (second time, still good), 17th St Cafe (brunch was yummy as always), Mama Lucia's, Parkway Deli (mmmm...latkas), and cooked at home once
• Visited The Spy Museum (save your $16 if you watch lots of The Hisotry Channel, like me)
• Never went to the Vietnam, FDR, or Lincoln like she originally wanted to--too friggin hot.
• Only had to do a drive-by thru Georgetown, which pleased me.
• She constantly interrogated me about men I date--I quickly changed the subject each time.
• I made up for forgetting her birthday last weekend.

Next time I promised her we'd go to a musical/play and do some more sights, just not in 98 degree weather.

My Big Fat Hindu-Filipino-Italian Wedding

As a gay man, I've been to very few weddings in my life--I'd probably put the number at 7. Most of them have either been the typical Italian catholic two hour service, very formal, followed by lots of eating, drinking, and dancing, or the protestant version of that. I really did love my sister's...20min ceremony, cocktail hour, reception (lots of fun), then post-partying. Short, sweet, get to the good parts. This weekend I went out to Long Island for the wedding of one of my best college friends, Nou-nou. She is first generation Indian-American, so her Hindu/Marathi culture is still very strong. In fact, at 21 her parents threatened to arrange her a marriage if she didn't do it by the time she was 22. They gave in. So yesterday (at 29 years old), she finally got married. And the best part...it wasn't even to an Indian. You can imagine her parents' shame. He was Filipino-Italian. You can see how this sets the scene for some interesting people watching.

But before I get to the good stuff, just getting there was "fun" enough. I managed to take the first Metro to DCA at 7:30am. That gave me 20 min to get from the DCA Metro stop to the gate (thru security) before I missed the flight. No problem. Get to NY, find a taxi. No problem. Taxi doesn't know how to get to Long Island. Problem. Taxi wants to charge me $140 for the fare when the meter reads $75. Problem. The ConsummateAries goes ape shit on the taxi driver. Problem solved. All settled at 10:45...gives me plenty of time before the 1pm wedding. Walk into the hotel, announce I'm checking in with the wedding party. The clerk says that they just left and the wedding is at 11am. I'm standing in my shorts and t-shirt. Problem. I get dressed in 5min in the lobby bathroom, get another cab to the wedding. Problem solved.

The ceremony was formal Hindu, with the priest speaking in the ancient Sanskrit (a vestigial Indian language that no one speaks). He spoke at about 5,000 words per minute, so even if there was someone fluent in Sanskrit, they probably couldn't understand him. This meant that Nou's and her parents had no clue what to do, and Marc (the groom) was especially lost. His look of confusion and helplessness was priceless as he sat under the formal Hindu wedding pagoda. In all, the ceremony took 2 hours. That's two hours of listening to someone speak in a language you cant understand, while soothing Indian music is played over the speakers. Probably one of my top 10 coffee cravings ever.

The reception should be renamed "3 gays and their fag hags." Luckily I was in good company. Nou's good friend Jean brought her two gays as her date--I shoved my foot in my mouth when at first I assumed one was her husband (she was engaged and dumped a few years ago, I didnt know the last part). "Ohhh...you must be Jean's husband!?!" Nope. Definitely not. But all is good. We got shitty drunk and tore up the dance floor as all the Indians looked on in horror.

It was a lunch-time reception, so when 8pm rolled around I was starving. We went to the nice Italian place next to the hotel. Try to imagine a place run by hot Italian 25-30yr old guys, with thick NY accents. HOT! My #1 Girl, The Scorpio Sex Goddess, and I ordered food for the 19 people that came to the table with us. We both got sweet-talked by the hot host who was mulling over food ideas with us. I think he sold me a used car too. We weren't anticipating the amount of food that came out, neither were the guests, nor our wallets. After about 200 lbs of calamari, zucchini, clams, pasta, red snapper, eggplant, and fruit, the damage was done: $1100. Problem. So I had to get the balls to go around asking for donations. Some people had the nerve to think they were gonna eat all that, drink like fishes, and get to leave w/o chipping in a dollar. Strike that...they're not real people. Naturally the Scorpio Sex Goddess and ConsummateAries shared a hotel, and a large bottle of Pepto afterwards.

Next morning...flew home, skipping all the fun that was going on in Manhattan (NY Pride). Am I that old and lame now?

He Forgot to Wipe My Ass

So I learned a few lessons while traveling to and from Paris, I thought I'd share my Top 10 with you in case you're ever in a similar situation:


1. If your boarding pass doesn't have a seat listed, be afraid and start bitching early.

2. When one airline bumps you, don't assume they're rescheduling your flight on the same airline.

3. It is possible to get from National to Dulles by cab in under 30min during rush hour to catch a plane.

4. When in a rush, it never hurts to tell security.

5. If you tell security, be prepared for a thorough frisking, swabbing, searching, and interrogation.

6. You might as well enjoy #5, there's nothing you can do about it.

7. When a meal is described solely as "beef", whatever you do, don't order it.

8. One can survive on trail mix and water for 12 hours.

9. When arriving into a foreign country, don't look suspicious or you'll be searched for drugs.

10. Travel drunk, its quasi-legal and makes the whole experience more enjoyable.

My MasterCard Commercial

This is it. Its now 9:30pm 'ish on Sunday night and I'm all ready to go to Paris for the IGLA swimming championships. My whole body is shaved smooth, and somehow I managed to squeeze everything I need into 1 small carry-on roller bag. I thought I'd run down the list of purchases that were necessary for this trip. Kind of a self-assessment, and metric of "is it really worth it?" So much for my original intent of doing this trip on a budget.

1 plane ticket: $1000

1 week apartment rental: $900

1 high tech swim suit: $130

1 new MP3 player: $140

1 new digital camera: $155

1 team swim cap: $5

1 team tshirt: $5

1 bottle of sleeping pills: $10

Various other junk: $100

Making a fool of oneself while dressed in pink and doing synchronized swimming: Priceless