Foot Orgasms

I have an intimate relationship with my feet. As such, I need a partner who understands this, supports the relationship, and will satisfy my desires. This weekend I found one. You've all read about The Kid, and he was he who helped me discover this relationship. We were shopping at Pentagon City Mall when I saw my future partner from afar. Top level, somewhat inconspicuous. There it was...Clark. The Clarks store has brought joy to my life.

My attire at work is formal to business casual, either way I'm wearing dress shoes. Herein lies the problem: dress shoes aren't compatible with my 6 block walk to the Metro each way. In the year and a half I've been living in DC, I've gone thru 6 pairs of dress black shoes--or worn them enough to know that my feet deserve better. Like with men, I don't fuck around, I dump em as soon as I am confronted with even the slightest sign of incompatibility. But alas, I think I've found a true partner. Its amazing to see the evolution of shoe choice, it parallels my taste in men.

I started off with, of course, the cute Kenneth Coles. You know they look good, you think they're comfortable. But after I few weeks you tire of them. However, you keep them around for the rare dress occasion--dates, weddings, etc. Sound familiar?

I then moved on to some comfy Bass dress shoes. I actually had a pair of these before KC, but wore them out and decided to try something new. I came back to the old-standbys. They're similar to the KC's, but more walkable. Gave up after 3 months. This would be like my ex Greg, the hot caucasian Enrique Iglesias look-alike. All the features ya want, just not made for long-term durability.

Next was the Rockports. Not as cute as the KC's or Bass, but distinctive and good looking nonetheless. I still wear them. And for $75, you cant beat the comfort they provided. But alas, things wear out, and you must move on. As we used to sing in the Brownies, "Make new friends, but keep the old...one is silver and the other's gold." These are my "AtlWreck" of shoes...always gonna be there at some level.

At one point I started to question the overall comfort of the Rockports and decided to go completely with function over form. Enter the Merrell "dress shoes". Whenever I put them on, I thought of myself as the Monster from Young Frankenstein--Peter Boyle wore shoes with exaggerated soles. Eventually, my gay gene kicked back in and I couldn't wear these anymore. Plus I think they were worse for my feet, as I now have planter fasciitis. I'd compare these to the unnamed ex that we all have--we make some compromise and decide to go out with them only to realize it was a big mistake. Never compromise!

And then the skies opened, and there was sunlight. I bought a pair of Clarks as my dress brown shoes a while ago, they're great. I considered getting the same ones in black. Good thing I constantly procrastinate purchases. For it was then I discovered the Clark Privo! line. They're like wearing slippers...so comfy, great for walking, not horribly styled either. I probably could get away with them even in a suit for work--especially since straights dont look at shoes like we do. And they weren't nearly as expensive as those crappy shoes they sell at the stores on Connecticut near Dupont Circle--overpriced, and not really for walking. I have yet to find this man.

Alas, I'm happy again. Now if only I can get someone to rub my feet at night!

Fashion Police

Yesterday while waiting for the Metro to arrive, I was struck by a relatively attractive guy on the platform--rare for Silver Spring. I was then equally struck by his god-awful shoes. They were neither Tevas nor Crocs, but the bastardized child spawned from the breeding of those two fashion faux-pas: Croq-sandals. Unbelievable...Crocs with straps around parts of the foot. Granted, I wear some ugly shoes to work cause they're good for walking, and I routinely do 1.5 miles of walking in my daily commute...but come on! Do you really need to wear Croc sandals to work?!!

And now the sickest manifestation of Crocs...female dress shoes. As if slip-ons weren't bad enough before, they've just become quite possibly the least sexy item a woman can wear on her feet.

Undershirts Part II

Previously, I vented about one of my greatest fashion pet peeves: the improper undershirt for the occasion. In my humble opinion (though there were several dissenting commenters), undershirts are to be worn to prevent sweat stains on dress shirts or provide more warmth, but not to be seen. I somehow overlooked another critical area: the undershirt showing through the dress shirt. Granted, I don't mind this for a dress shirt where you can see the sleeve line from the undershirt underneath. There's nothing we can do about that, besides buy better quality, non-paper thin shirts (which, as a Consummate Aries and perfectionist, I now do). The worst offenders are those who wear a tank top as an undershirt with a paper-thin dress shirt. My summer intern chose to violate this fashion faux-pas today; I saw him as soon as I got off the elevator this morning, its already ruined my day. What makes it even worse is that since he's black, you can see a high contrast through his thin yellow shirt, and the bright white tank top undershirt.

I digress, I never understood the point of the tank undershirt. It doesn't provide sweat management in the summer, nor warmth in the winter. Can anyone explain?

In closing, just as I don't want to see your underwear sticking out of your pants, nor dark underwear through your pants/skirt, I don't want to see undershirts either. Though as an aside, it did find it amusing that last night at practice, the new ripped, young, str8 guy on the swim team was prancing around the pool deck in his work pants and his CK's showing--and intentionally at that. Str8? I think not!

I'd Rather Hurt Than Look Bad

...is one of my favorite quotes from Jon Bon Jovi. So many of us can relate to that one. In my previous blog I mentioned my $75 haircut for a job interview. I thought I'd elaborate, as it is an example of an ongoing motif in my life: porn.

As I mentioned, I was in FL and interviewing in DC. I had a Monday flight, Tuesday interview, on Sunday I realized I needed a haircut. Oooops. Now to many of you, a simple trip to Hair Cuttery might suffice. Not for the ConsummateAries. As a perfectionist, a beauty school drop out will never touch his shears to my hair. I never skimp on those things I use on a daily basis. My mattress is very comfy, my bike is a quality build, dress shoes are very walkable, and my hair (though sometimes longer than I'd like it) is always cut well. So when it came to needing a last minute haircut, I freaked. No reputible salon is open on Monday. Why that arbitrary day was chosen by all stylists as the trade's day off, I'll never know. But nonetheless, I had to deal with it. After frantic calls to just about everyone I could think of, I found a friend that could help. I met "Jaime" on MySpace--we both were living in Ft Lauderdale but grew up in the same town: connection. I knew he was an accountant--I never need to ask more than that about money/business occupation or I'll fall asleep mid-explanation. But he gave me the cell phone numbers of two freelance stylists that his company uses. And he knew that one just got back in town from a trip to Las Vegas with his company.

It is at this point that I joked with him about being in Las Vegas for the annual porn convention. He chuckled, I laughed. Oh the foreshadowing.

So I get the appointment for Monday after work. "Michael" sits me down in his private salon in some resort, gives me a choice of wines, and starts at it. I tell him the concept: young, modern, conservative. I never trusts stylists I don't know to do something different, but I was desperate. You know, like when you're horned up and lower your standards cause ya cant find anything else better online? That was me. Luckily he gave me exactly what I wanted. (I wont bore you with details). But during the chit-chat, he was discussing doing hair for "actors". Yup...you got it, the "actors" he referred to were the ones that Chi Chi LaRue hires. Funny, I can never remember what their hair looks like, but everything else is great! When it was all said and done, I was expecting a $200 bill. Private consultation, incredible cut, wine, etc. Just like at My Big Fat Wedding, I was shocked, but pleasantly surprised with the damage. $75 is not bad considering. So many things are worth paying for, especially to alleviate stress.

So in my life thus far, I've lived with porn "stars" (they got fan mail), dated two guys that turned out to have done porn, been wrongfully accused of being a porn star, and had my hair cut by a porn stylist. Too late for a career change? Seems like I'm destined for it.

Double Standards

Its no secret that men have it better than women in a lot of respects. Men dont have to worry about periods, getting fat from childbirth, expectations of cooking dinner after working 8 hours, 20% less salary for the same job, etc. Two things that women always point to as being jealous of men: being able to pee standing up, and taking off their shirts in public places--and have it be socially acceptable. The former will never change, although it appears there's momentum to change the later. However, I'd like to challenge this double standard and let's see who agrees with me (I'm used to being in the minority).

Sandals, flip flops, thongs, whatever you call them, they're the ideal footware for hot summer days. Your feet are one of the most vascularized parts of your body, and thus have the ability to radiate an enormous amount of heat, helping to keep you cool. Women can take advantage of their social acceptance to wear sandal-like dress shoes to almost any occassion. God forbid if a man should appear at a business meeting in anything besides his brown or black leather dress shoes. I sometimes wish I could trade-in my ability to go shirtless for the ability to wear my flip flops to work everyday. But I'd have to turn in my gay-card to do that.

I know you can swing $5

Maybe my gay root comes about from my father making sure that I knew how to properly iron my clothes, tuck in my shirts, pick matching ties, belts, socks, etc (not to mention critiquing news anchors when they made a fashion faux pas). He sure as hell didn't spend much time teaching me car mechanics or how to throw a football. So with my proper training (i.e., finishing school), I set out on the world of professionals and am now forced to critique their obscure fashion choices. One of my pet peeves stems from a lesson my father taught me earlier on...its necessary to have both "crew" and "V-neck" undershirts.



Nothing looks more ridiculous than people in business casual open collar dress shirts with their undershirt showing underneath. I do business casual almost every day now (as compared to tie everyday when I first started...I guess next year I'll wear flip flops). And in my dresser you'll find two stacks of undershirts...crew (when I wear a tie) and V-neck (all other days). And its not like this is an expensive addition to anyone's wardrobe. Go to Target, get some Hanes in both styles, and quit pissing me (and my dad) off!!