The Consummate Aries

I'm becoming one of "THEM"

2008-06-05T12:09:00.007-04:00

And by "them", I naturally mean one of those Mac-totting, coffee-sipping hippies you see around town, especially at places like Tryst and Dupont Circle Starbucks.

I cant help but think of the movie "Best in Show", where Parker Posey and her (unmemorable) movie husband discuss meeting at Starbucks, while each was working on their Mac.

--"I was a double espresso guy"

--"Yea, I thought that was sexy"

Lord knows, I drink enough caffeine to kill a large horse (and if that fuckin caffeine calculator hadnt crapped out, we'd know exactly how much I've consumed), so why not join the ranks of my fellow coffeephiles and buy a Mac? Well...I just did. Its coming today, which makes June 5th somewhat like December 25th. I'm awaiting the FedEx man with great aaaaaantiiiicipation (said like Dr Frankenfurter).

So starting tomorrow I can "work from home", go to Tryst, and nod at my fellow Macees. Isnt that what the commercials say to do, after all? You know the irony of today was when I got up this morning, ran to check the shipping status online, and my IBM laptop flashed up the Blue Screen of Death. Never again!

When penises fly...

2008-05-20T09:54:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Wonkette for this post...it made me smile 5 min before having to give a very stressful briefing.

http://wonkette.com/391872/flying-penis-invades-russian-political-scene

Let the madness begin

2008-05-19T09:21:00.009-04:00

Yesterday was my first triathlon, and before I get into the details, let me just say that I sit here typing with total rigimortis of the legs.

Initially I was very apprehensive of how well I'd do in this "sprint" tri (1k swim, 22k bike, 5k run). It is well known on the swim team that I usually sit out for at least a 50 in any distance over 200 yards, and even more if its a repeated middle- or long-distance set. Typically its because my shoulders fatigue quickly (I'm built for sprinting). Add a wetsuit on top of those shoulders, and it only gets worse. Then there's the bike...I just bought a road bike and only rode it twice before the tri, which isnt much less than I've ridden my other bike since last fall. Lastly, I HATE running, and only ran a total of 6 miles within a month before the race.

Alas, the competitor in me kicked into high gear, and I was in good spirits come the start of the race:

Pumped up before the race.

So we (The Maestro and I) setup and suit-up...get ready for our wave of the swim to start. My strategy was take it long and slow, stay to the outside, and just hope to do the whole thing freestyle. Apparently 1min before the gun, The Maestro noticed a marked difference in my demeanour--going from jovial to ultra-competitive. What can I say, I'm thrive in competition. So as the swim started, I thought The Maestro was going strong, so I took off in a nice relaxed swim. Being on the outside, I went off course several times. The first turn I looked back and saw that most of the green caps (our age) were behind me. (Kickass!) It was then that I started eating the feet of the previous wave. I am not exaggerating with the term "eat"...the lake was as murky as a body of water gets; it was nearly impossible to see your stroking hand in the water. The ego boost of being out in front definitely improved my swim--the other reason I sit out a lot in distance practice is just the knowledge that I suck at a 200+, whereas I'll do sets of 200 IM's with no problem.

End of swim: 5th place age group; 17th overall (11min)

Transition: Let's just say that I was in the bottom 10% of T1 transition times. (3min : 51sec) I had lots of problems putting on my shirt--never again.

Bike: The course was very technical, with rolling hills, turns, and few straight-aways. At least it didn't get boring. But the hills were punishing, and its where I took over many people (it seems like people are afraid to stand and peddle...I dont know why). But after my 17th place in the swim (besides the absolute shitty T1), then only place I could go is down...which I did. Rank 144 (54min).

Stock pic of my bike...just add pedals and aerobars.

Transition: Not nearly as bad, though I dropped my Oaklies running from the "end bike" to the transition area, had to turn around and go back for em. Embarrassing, to say the least.

Run: This portion was the antithesis of the swim. Swimming I past just about everyone, running, everyone passed me. In all, I overtook two people. I had no legs to begin with...and the start was a sadistic uphill portion that made everyone just want to cry. But I ran/jogged the whole thing, which bettered my goal of "no walking."

The Maestro was not happy about getting smoked.

All in all, it was a very fun event, and if nothing, I learned a little about my own mental toughness. Needless to say, all I did when I got home was be lazy and sleep.

Not looking so fresh after the race.

Crazy black girls

2008-05-14T15:15:00.006-04:00

I had two experiences today that I needed to share, thus recommitting myself to this blog...and boy have I left out a lot, which I will catch up on in due time.

First...
I'm getting lunch when one of the secretaries is talking to the fried rice at the buffet saying, "This is good stuff, I just dont like the brussel spouts in it."

....ummm, those are peas!

Second...
The Engineer was kind enough to send me this link, a reminder of what its like to live in ATL. God, I'm glad Metro is not anything like MARTA (aka, Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta)

http://www.break.com/index/crazy-subway-girl.html

Burnin down the house!

2008-03-14T09:04:00.003-04:00

The neighborhood is a'buzz with talk of the fire--at 5 alarms, it was the largest in DC in 30 years. And since it was a mere block and a half away from my apartment, I heard every screaming fire truck, ambulance, and police car on the way to the scene. Now, having seen which building burned, I have theories myself as to the cause/modus operandi of the blaze.

Granted, four buildings burned that night--victims of the first building, a large white apartment complex. This building has been trying to renovate over the last two years, a slow process to be sure. I think they were trying to capitalize on the clean up and gentrification of Mt Pleasant. However, the older tenants--mostly Mexicans (in the general sense of the term), were not vacating to allow for the renovation probably as fast as the owners would like. Every once in a while I'd see some yuppie white guy or girl walk into the building--obviously they were in the same jam that I was when trying to find their first apartment in DC. ...They took what they could get after only once visit and a few nice pictures.

I digress: Two days ago (or so) there was an article in the Express about how Jim Graham and some other city councilwoman are trying to change one of the laws in DC meant to protect tenants. It is well known that DC has very liberal tenant laws. This law in question states something to the effect that a building owner may only convert to a condo complex if the building is no longer inhabited, or if there is a buy-out of the current renting tenants. Too many owners were just neglecting the buildings, waiting for people to leave on their own right, thus allowing them to convert to condo without a buy-out.

Is it no surprise, then, that the building that burned received something like 7,000 housing violation complaints over the last couple years? Maybe...just maybe, they got tired of neglecting the building and dealing with city officials over the violations, decided to burn it, and will then turn condo since the building is unoccupied.

Let's wait and see if the all-knowing Consummate Aries is proved right.

Ode to Carolina

2008-02-21T09:23:00.004-05:00

Carolina...my old home; my old friend
Why are you so unable to change?
Evolution may be considered farce, but occurs nonetheless
Except in Carolina

Yes...that was my lame attempt at poetry. Aries, being too black and white, are best not expressed in verse, but rather succinct prose. So anyway...yesterday I took a 1 day trip to Asheville for some meetings. I had high hopes of getting "something" out of this trip. But like most things in life, I was disappointed.

The disappointment occured at many levels, starting off with having to get up at 5am. WTF?! I didnt even realize that was a real time. Granted, I know it "exists" on the clock, but there are many things that we say exist, but in reality do not--like dominant bottoms. Besides a lack of sleep (and coffee), I had to drive 2hrs each way because Ashville has like 2 planes that land and take off each day from its airport. I arrived late, meetings were cancelled and rearranged, and I l got home at 11pm with the sense of "wow, I should've just had a telecon". I wont belabor this point, but just have to gloat and say..."TAKE THAT MEXICAN!" for a hellish 1 day trip to NC.

The Great Outdoors

2008-02-19T14:05:00.004-05:00

Seventy three degrees, mostly sunny, and a slight breeze. Could you ask for a better day in mid-February than that? Not me. Funny thing is I've talked to a total of 4 (unrelated) people today since waking up, three of them live in the DC area. All of them, including me, decided to go hiking yesterday. What is this, Oregon? Granted, my roomie is a West Coast lesbian, so its assumed he's hiking the trails with a bag of granola any chance he can get. But everyone else? Maybe it was just a local case of the Hippie-Flu that made hikers out of all of us. Good thing...cause if eveyone went hiking yesterday, I'd have nothing selacious to blog about.

Outdoor sex.

Yup. I'm not sure if we decided to take a hike to 1. enjoy the outdoors, 2. do something different, or 3. have sex outdoors. Probably a 33.3% split. And wouldnt ya know, as soon as we start hiking around the national park near The Musician's house, I see him eyeing various logs and fallen trees for acceptable locations. Now I wont belabor the point, but it was interesting, although prematurely interrupted by rain. Nonetheless, it was very reminiscent of my 'straight days', when I would have sex with the man-woman Nicole outside all the time...beach, forest, lakes, lifeguard stands, tree stands, etc. I think its been 10 years since good outdoor sex. Sad. But hopefully "times, they are a' changin."

Commitment

2008-02-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

Over the last few years--a veritable drought when it comes to successful dating--I've wondered whether I am relationship capable. As mentioned before, I've never held a relationship with a guy for more than a year. Sad. And at 30, I felt like my biological clock is ticking *pounds foot on the floor a la Marissa Tome.* I mean, if you cant have at least ONE successful long term relationship in your 20's, when you're energetic and good looking, can it be done with such ease later? Well to make a long story short...you all know about The Musician--to whom I affectionately call "lesbian" due to his emotional, relationship-oriented nature. I definietly had a period of "Let's wait and see; We need to take it slower; Let's not rush into this." While I knew that was the healthy thing to do, I still had GCC in the back of my head screaming that I'm 'cold'. Well I think I've emerged through all of that now, and am better for it--or should I say we are.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is the old adage. Between my week-long trip to New Orleans--facing temptation from all the guys there, and this unforunate law-related incident that we've had to deal with (not to mention him living in South Bumblefuck), I've realized that this really is (as Martha would say) "a good thing."

So here comes the committment part...yesterday before sending him off for the weekend, we booked a cruise for the weekend after my 30th birthday--I was planning to be in FL for a swim meet, and I also wanted to treat myself to something nice. And what is better for relaxation, pampering, and fun than a cruise? So this is what we're doing (link). So yea...now I'm locked into the guy til after April. But that's just fine by me.

I bet he wears AF clothes too

2008-01-21T09:06:00.000-05:00

The other night I was at that old New Orleans gay standby--the Bourbon Street Pub. It was Saturday night, and all I could remember from my last visit were the hot bartenders and go-go dancers. Well let's just say that this is another example of how things just aren't quite the same in this town post Katrina. The guy shaking his booty (a move I believe he stole from me) on the bar was actually a good 45 years old. Granted, he had a perfect body, but there's just something wrong about strippers being over, I dunno, 30. I know that's total age discrimination--but for something superficial like stripping, that's probably socially acceptable. Though its still better than those ultra-chicken twinks that they have dancing at Town on Friday nights. At least he's got some beef. At Town, I always hear, "Where's the beef?!" in the back of my head.

Recover. Rebuild. Rebirth.

2008-01-20T11:10:00.000-05:00

The last three years of my life have been in many ways linked to Hurricane Katrina: I experienced the storm first hand in Florida, and the aftermath of it and Wilma were motivators to move to DC. I've also spend countless hours working with documentary producers on the subject, creating and providing video and images of the storm, giving explanations, etc. So naturally, this visit to New Orleans has a certain appeal--see how things have recovered, compare it to before the storm, and get to see the town (version 2.0) that I've dealt so much with from afar.
Things here are definitely on a more reduced scale. Everything seems the same along Canal, Poydras, or the major streets in the Quarter, but the people are fewer and the energy is lower. Last night was the first parade of Mardi Gras festivities--and that was somewhat of a let-down. But an experience, nonetheless. The one thing that amazes me about NOLA, still, is the individuality of this city. Having lived in 5 cities, I can describe how each of them has a certain feel...but the character of NOLA is definitely stronger and more unique than any city I've visited, even more than NY I'd venture to say. I'm sure that, unlike the smell of piss in the street, no storm will wash that away.

All cultural and shit...

2008-01-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

Last night The Musician decided to take me out for a night of cultural exploration. As a classical musician, with a MS in conducting (??) and soon to be starting his PhD in the same field, I was out of my league with regard to subject expertise. A rarity for this Aries. Alas, the agenda for the night was dinner at Sequoia followed by a night with the National Symphony Orchestra, featuring violin virtuoso Sarah Chang--at the Kennedy Center. My reviews follow:

Sequoia:
I've always heard good things about this place from The Mexican and the GCC's object of lust. I, however, was not impressed. I started with a glass of Malbec--not bad. We then shared the appetizer of lobster chipotle spring rolls. As a food snob, these were poorly executed. The taste of lobster was undetectable, just the texture. Instead, the palate was over inundated with the fatty textures from the outer fried covering of the spring roll, and the chipotle remoulade-like sauce inside. I gave it a D.

My entree was the seafood stew--being a cold rainy night, I thought this was perfect, but not too heavy less I become drowsy at the NSO. The presentation was huge...a large dish probably 16" in diameter. In it was 1/2 lobster, several scallops, shrimp, swordfish (though the waiter said salmon), and mussels. Lobster was alright, the scallops were a tad overcooked, the sword was good, mussels were old and tasteless, and the shrimp--wow. They came in two sizes, normal ones with the tails on, which were good, and the mini kind you see in very cheap appetizer plates, way overcooked. The saffron broth was enjoyable, along with the crostini with lobster mousse. I give it a B or B-.

Desert was a creme brulee--very nicely done. I do enjoy a nice relatively think brulee crust, so I was happy. I give it an A-.

The National Symphony Orchestra:
The performance was divided into three pieces, the beginning was The Overture to the Magic Flute (Mozart), followed by Corigliano's Symphony #2, and then Brahms' Concerto in D Major for Violin.

I do enjoy Mozart, and the performance of the Magic Flute was quite excellent--though I had to adjust to Leonard Slatkins somewhat odd conducting style, which I will not treat here. Corigliano was boring. He's a contemporary composer, and was, in fact, in attendance. The beginning reminded me of the them to Psycho, the remainder wasn't any better. Brahms was alright--not my favorite piece by him. But Chang did blow us away with her cadenzas in the piece.

An entertaining 3 hours

2008-01-17T10:29:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I had my once a month, 3 hour long council meeting--I'd say the name, but I don't want this blog to come up as a Google hit. Let's just say its a Council at my federal agency related to education. Ok. Usually these meetings are insanely boring, but I feel some obligation to go since its somewhat high-level, and good for networking. I usually find the inner fortitude to make it through with only minor doodling in my notebook.

But yesterday I was able to fully enjoy (as much as 3hr policy meeting can be) this affair. As I was looking around the room I noticed some striking similarities between council members and famous people. As they spoke I just replaced their faces with those of their celebrity twins. The first, and most obvious one was someone I work closely with, and have always noticed this similarity:

"I hated her... so... much, It--it..the f--, it--flame...flames...flames on the side of my face, breathing, breath... heaving, breaths... heaving... " OMG, I die every time I see her, the resemblance is so uncanny--even has the same hair, just auburn instead of brunette.

The next is the person who staffs the council meeting--John. I never noticed before yesterday, but he looks just like Monty Burns.

I used to think he was somewhat good looking--could've been the British accent. But yesterday as I stared at his profile, I noticed the resemblance. The same large forehead, hooked nose, tall lankiness, and penchant for holding his hands together.

Lastly, there was an invited speaker. She wasn't a real person, per se, just a stereotype. In this case, it was the most annoying type of stereotype for a true Aries--the cheerleader

With blonde hair and perky boobs, her bubbly personality made me want to leave the meeting an hour early. Its bad that I discriminate, but you can tell she's just not all there. To make things worse, she was all "Yay, awesome" and "Fabulous!" at a somewhat formal council meeting. I'm sure the straight guys, like Mr Burns, were more than enthralled with her presentation. I just gritted my teeth, and kept repeating, "Flames...flames on the side of my face."

I'm running for president

2008-01-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

Many people run on single-issue platforms. Ross Perot had his chickens, Steve Forbes was the flat tax, last election W was all about national security, as is Guiliani this year. My presidential platform will be health care. But its not the position you'd imagine.

As I walk to the Metro each morning, I pass the kids going to the Bell and Lincoln multicultural schools. Not once have I ever seen these kids scarfing down something healthy for breakfast as they rush off to class. Nope, its usually something like chips, Doritos, Skittles, etc. Invariably they're also incredibly fat for their age...and growing wider by the day. The problem with socialized health care is that I'll have to pay for their unnecessary diabetes and other treatments. Fuck that! If we go down this road towards socialized health care, I want a requirement that to qualify, you need a BMI below 30. Failure to maintain that BMI will result in the loss of coverage--except the use of fitness related discounts.

Twiddling thumbs

2008-01-10T15:59:00.001-05:00

I like to think that I don't have the typical federal work ethic. Actually, I'm quite work obsessed when I'm in the office. Today is driving me absolutely nuts...I have 1 week til I leave for New Orleans for a huge conference and the chance to really make some $$$. My "To Do List" has 7 items on it--each one taking considerable amounts of time, all needing to be finished in a week. But here I sit...twiddling my thumbs, waiting for my computer to spit out the latest iteration of the project I'm working on. Amazing how it takes my system an hour to process 1/2 a job. Let's run down my configuration:

Dell Precision 690, Windows XP (no 64bit Windows allowed)

2x 3.33GHz Intel Dual-Core Processors

4GB RAM

1TB Storage

NVIDIA Quadro FX 3500 video card

Its a pretty substantial system. Yet here I wait. And wait more. And keep waiting. UGH!! My work OCD is driving me absolutely insane! No wonder I'm so worn out after each work day this week.

Its the thought that counts

2008-01-07T09:55:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned before that I'm a food snob. I wouldn't call myself a "foodie", since I don't go around to all the latest and greatest restaurants trying to experience the newest culinary concoctions. But I am sometimes overly critical of food preparations and ingredients. Unfortunately, this means I often assert my prowess in friends' kitchens--I cant help it, its an Aries trait. Now I'm not the world's best cook, by any means. I'm probably just slightly better than the average 29yr old male. So naturally, living with the Imelda and having the opportunity to entertain for our friends makes me happy, along with cooking for the Musician. However, this also means he feels the necessity to return the favor, as happened the other night.

I commuted my ass down to Dumfries, where he lives. The plan was dinner and a movie--but he was going to cook. I was very optimistic. He sent me a text mid-day asking if I like blue cheese. Usually, any recipe that uses a good Roquefort or Gorgonzola gets a gold star in my book. Nope...that just went on the salad. Nice touch though. But the main course: roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, and broccoli. Sounds good right? Except the turkey was some kind of pressed turkey-like meat substance in a loaf form, with gelatinous gravy. Mmmmm. The mashed potatoes were boxed. Mmmmm. And the broccoli was frozen in cheese sauce. Actually pretty mmmm (again, cheese). But I will admit, I love the idea of a man cooking for me, especially after a tiring day at work. "A for Effort" or should it be "Affort"?

The most important day in politics

2008-01-03T08:54:00.001-05:00

...for 10,000 people. That's right, today is the Iowa Caucus. For a state of 2.9 million people, we sure are devoting a lot of time and money. And out of that 2.9m, how many people will actually participate in this most arcane of all political polling events? Basically it works like this....Fred, Sally-Sue, Uncle Elijah and Aunt Ester all go to the local barn, stand around, and at 7pm they go stand in the corner of the candidate they like--but even better is the fact that this is meant to be a peer pressure environment. "Sure, that might be the candidate who's stance on the issues best reflect yours, but this is the COOL corner." I just don't get it.

Iowa--the state of 100 sqaures. Looks like a raibow quilt, eh?

Surpassing the peer pressuring in lunacy...the combined money spent on all television ads equates to about $200 per person in Iowa. Assume that only 10% will actually caucus, that's $2,000 for each cauc (my term for "one who caucuses", pronounced like "cock"). Ridiculous. I think the candidates would get more swing votes if they just cut a $1,000,000 check to a local school.

What's in store for 2008?

2008-01-02T09:04:00.000-05:00

I read a good blog passage on the Metro today from The Express. It went something like, "A friend says that what you were doing at midnight on New Years is what you will be doing for the rest of the year." If that's true, I'm happy. I was having sex.

So what were you doing at the stroke of midnight?

POP!

2008-01-02T08:50:00.000-05:00

As many of you heard on Monday night, the cherry was finally popped. I have mixed emotions over this--I used to enjoy sex, but it wasn't nearly as good as I expected it would be (but also not as difficult/painful). To quote our much missed GCC, "I tried bottoming, and it really wasn't for me". Oh well. Maybe it gets better with time? Maybe? Please!

That crazy Ron Paul

2007-12-28T12:39:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Wonkette for linking this article. Its scary that people like this have a cult-like following of political support from people who barely know where their candidate stands on issues besides war and taxes.

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2007/12/26/85617/090/639/426519

The End of an Era

2007-12-27T12:47:00.000-05:00

...well almost. But its rapidly approaching.

I know you're all craving juicy sexual gossip and personal stories, so here goes...I last successfully bottomed around 2002 (though I tried once in 2004, didn't work). Most loyal readers, friends, and everyday passers by have a hard time believing I'm not a total bottom, let alone a top. But I've always said that its just cause I haven't had the "opportunity"...really, I've just resisted since I've either dated someone too horse-hung or a total bottom. But now I've been dating The Musician for about a month--and as a vers/top he expects some ass. Being a manageable size, I'm willing to try this. And I did mention something to him about "when ya come back from Chicago"...which is in two days. I know what he's gonna try to do as soon as he sees me. But, being the controlling Aries, I did lay conditions: not late at night, not drunk, etc. That gives me a few more days reprieve...so I figure something like Jan 1 or 3.

Stay tuned for updates (and funny walks).

Reasons Why I'm Gay (III)

2007-12-26T12:01:00.000-05:00

Wives are so fucking annoying.

As I was standing at the back of the line for my flight from DCA to FLL on Dec 19th, I was next to a couple on their way to Puerto Rico (we were all on the same flight to FL). The line was the entire length of Terminal A at DCA (the old part), and we only had 1 hour until takeoff. I wasn't worried since the airline was not about to close the gate on us, with 3/4 of the passengers still in line for their only flight of the morning. But no...the wife next to me was freakin out. "We should've never flown Spirit", "Lets just leave", "I really just want to leave". She obviously had 1. never flown before or 2. is a complete retard and waste of oxygen. My vote is on #2. The big black girl (the type who loves her gays) and I just starred at each other, obviously both sharing the desire to strangle a bitch. I think the husband was also resisting that temptation--obviously he's a castrated, non-Aries.

Eventually she wore her husband down enough (when there were only 15 people ahead of us) to just leave without even trying to make the flight. That means they just threw away $500. At least if the gate closed while they were trying to check in, they would've received some sort of voucher. Nope.

Fuckin chicks!

Never fly Spirit Airlines

2007-12-26T10:08:00.000-05:00

Happy Ho Ho everyone! I'm back from the holiday break, and in my office (hence blogging) on Dec 26. You can imagine how empty it is, given its a federal building. My week off was pretty uneventful--went to FL to see the parents...did some scuba diving, drinking, shopping, etc. But the real story/lesson that came out of this trip was the title of this blog "Never fly Spirit Airlines". I post this twice hoping it will come up when someone Google's Spirit Airlines.

I've blogged before about my willingness to pay for quality, though usually this hasn't applied to air travel. Until now. I started flying Spirit years ago when they first emerged as a no frills airline catering to the golfing crowd. Living somewhat near Myrtle Beach, I could catch a very cheap flight back to PA at a moment's notice. Never had any problems...the staff was efficient and polite, everything went smoothly.

It seems that they've changed their business model a bit. It is now (officially) "You only pay for the services you want." For instance, a checked bag costs $5-10, a coke/water/coffee is $3, etc. That's fine with me...I rarely check bags, and always bring a bottle of water on the plane. But what killed me was their totally fucked up check-in system. Their online check-in doesn't work and they don't have kiosks at the terminal, which means that EVERYONE must go to the ticketing counter to get a boarding pass to get through security. At DCA, this meant a 1 hour wait in line (for the only Spirit flight that was departing that morning). At FLL it meant a line that stretched outside the terminal, down the sidewalk, and over to the next terminal entrance. No wonder...it literally took at least 10min for the desk attendant to check me in. For some reason she had to get print-outs from the back room. I guess they cut costs by only having 1 printer for everyone to share. A true measure of their inefficiency was the fact that all other terminals in the airport were absolutely empty. Not Spirit. Their antiquated systems more than quadrupled the time needed to get from drop-off to the boarding gate.

So my advice: pay the extra $100, fly Delta, US Air, Jet Blue, etc...its well worth it.

The Musician

2007-12-19T16:38:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been away for so long--I know you're all starving for juicy gossip. Between work and men, I've been quite the busy bee lately. Let's break this down a bit...

Work: This week I've done 4 states in 4 days. Monday: Delaware; Tuesday: Ohio; Wednesday: Maryland; Thursday: Florida. Much of this is related to our much anticipated, largest annual conference in New Orleans starting January 20. And for those of you in the government and contracting sectors, you'll be quite amazed that I've somehow gotten work for free out of a contracting company, albeit the one I work for. What a coup!

Men: I've been dating a guy for the last two weeks. Longest streak in years! I really enjoy his company--and even the Mexican has given his initial blessing, though the Imelda is quite jealous that he's taking away her husband, I suspect. I am resisting getting sucked into the lesbian relationship, so I'm going to start setting some ground rules soon--otherwise I'll never get to the gym, swimming, or see my friends. Cant have that. Plus he likes to be controlled, so I'm sure he'll go with these restrictions.

Oh right...he is called "The Musician" because he plays in a band. No, not some 930 Club'esque gay punk band. Nope, the Air Force ceremonial band. He plays the euphonium. Sexy? Well, at least when he's wearing the uniform it is!!

More juicy pedophillic gossip

2007-12-06T09:35:00.001-05:00

Below was the link to Wonkette's blogs about the downfall of the AOF charter member Mike McHaney in is alleged child-sexscapade. Inevitably, after reading such an article, everyone wonders what he looks like, or who the Axis of Fun are. Well here ya go...courtesy of Friendster. Best thing about his profile there...he has a partner. Of course, I'm not showing that poor sap's face.

Mike didn't realize you need to be 18 to enter the navy

The Axis of Fun at the Renaissance Festival

Sweet Revenge

2007-12-05T13:23:00.000-05:00

For those of you who love to watch the obnoxious crash and burn, you'll love to read this blog:
http://wonkette.com/politics/axis-of-fun/mike-mchaneys-axis-of-fun-330029.php

If you have never heard of met anyone from the Axis of Fun, you're a better person for it!

We're all a bunch of pussies

2007-12-05T12:14:00.000-05:00

Back when I was a kid we used to walk 5 miles in 3 foot snow drifts in bare feet to get to school! As I sit here looking out my office window onto a winter wonderland (while scarfing down Cool Ranch Doritos...mmmm), I cant help but think how we were much tougher and resilient only 15 years ago. What's happened since to make us so soft as a people? When I woke up this morning, I could see out my window that snow had covered the neighboring roof--but just barely. I almost went back to sleep, assuming work would be postponed. Granted, I wasn't thinking rationally, but after I got out of bed I actually checked the OPM website to find out if the gov't was closed today. Not that 1/16" of snow necessitates closing businesses...but in reality, that's just what happens.

As I said, I distinctly remember things being different when I was in my teens...15 years ago. Maybe 1992 ushered in a new era of thinking in the U.S.: the Cold War had just ended; a democrat was just elected president, ushering in a new mentality; we were just starting to pull out of a recession. There was no longer a need to be stoic, steadfast, and intimidating...it was more a time of concern, compassion, and globalization. This was before the time of the $3million McDonald's coffee spill incident--a watershed for frivolous lawsuits. Ever since then, people have just bitched and not taken personal responsibility. Maybe at that time (I don't know) we installed some weak willed people as superintendents and city operators--those able to cancel school/government on a whim. As a kid and teen, I never would've dreamed about not going to school unless there was at least 8" of snow. Now...2" is enough to shutdown "The Most Powerful City in the World" or at least necessitate a 2 hour drive along a 10-mile stretch of road. Imagine how the USSR would look upon us now and hardly shudder at the notion of battling us.

Reverse fake ID's

2007-11-27T09:29:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing that annoys me about gay men (well...there isn't just one), its the inability to accept their own age. I love browsing online to find guys who flaunt the fact that they're ex-college athletes, or ex-frat guys...especially when they're now 35, and that was almost half a lifetime ago. Gay men don't like to accept their true age, and thus the fact that they're no longer the hot piece of ass that everyone wants to fuck. Why kid yourself? Accept who you are and love yourself...you'll save a lot of money on shrinks and drugs that way. I've always accepted the fact that I'm short and gay. And now I must accept the fact that I'm 29, dangerously close to 30, and not the cute twink dancing on the box at Backstreet anymore.

Or am I? As of this weekend, I'm once again a student at Georgia Tech. There were many great stories that came out of this weekend, most of them dealing with AtlWreck and his alcoholism, but this is by far the best--at least to a 30yr old gay man. I was staying at his frat house, casting for a new Amateur Straight Guys porno--well the first part is true. The day of the football game, the house's "Ticket Bitch" had a ticket for me...only problem was that it was student section, thus requiring a student ID. I no longer had mine from years ago. Problem? No...not with a scanner, printer, and Photoshop. PRESTO! I had a new student Georgia Tech BuzzCard, complete with a picture of myself, student ID number, and the name "Bill A. Balling" to match the signature. I kept it as a memento of the weekend. Sure, I might carry it in my wallet for the time-being, but at least I wont be trying to stuff my 30 year old gut into an Abercrombie and Fitch tshirt like most of my contemporaries in a vain attempt to recapture my youth.

The meaning of friendship

2007-11-25T23:43:00.001-05:00

Its amazing how sometimes we make inaccurate assessments of the friends in our lives. Usually I'm on the short end of the stick. As I sit here in ATL, on my friend's computer, this epiphany has struck me. True friends go out of their way for each other. Superficial friends go out to bars, have some laughs, and think that they know and can depend on the other person, but really cant in all situations.

Why bring this up? My trip to Atlanta for the Thanksgiving holiday was to hang out with two friends I've maintained close ties with since leaving ATL--BG and JO (wouldn't that be funny if they were BJ and JO?!) . I assumed (as was the plan) that I would be staying with and spending the majority of my time with JO--who I have long considered one of my closest friends due to an intangible bond that we share. But no, I haven't seen JO in two and a half days now...so much for staying at his apartment while in town, catching up, and reminiscing about days past. If it wasn't for BG, I'd probably be having one of those trips where I say "Why the fuck did I even bother coming here?". Don't get me wrong...I love my BG and would come just to hang with him (as we've visited each other in the past), but I am just disappointed in the lack of attention shown by JO.

This is now the second time that JO has slighted me...I only give people 3 strikes, whether they realize it or not. And I can assuredly state that I will not be going out of my way for him in the future--unless I see some major reciprocation of effort. But I guess this weekend was actually valuable--it has made me realize what and who are most important in the grand scheme of things. Not to mention those people from my past who have come out of the woodwork to spend time with me in my stay here besides BG and JO.

As we used to sing in The Brownies (a story for another post), "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold." So true. And we must remember that both silver and gold tarnish with time; if not properly maintained, those once glittering jewels are relegated to the pawn shop.

An American Tradition

2007-11-21T13:27:00.000-05:00

Maybe its a sign of the times--the growing influence of latin culture in the United States. Or it could be that the guest list includes names like Carlos, Pablo, and Puente.

The menu for Thursday includes...

Appetizers
Hummus and Pita
Salsa and Chips

Main Course
Turkey

Ham
Cranberry sauce

Sweet potato souffle

Rice

Green bean casserole
Tater tots

Mashed potatoes

Dessert
Pumpkin pie

Margarita pie

Drinks
Sangria

Yes...there are some odd things in there (see italics). None of them are my choosing. In fact, I'd almost prefer that no one else cooked. Imagine that...the Consummate Aries wanting total control over the situation.

The ThankfulAries

2007-11-21T08:57:00.000-05:00

I'm not a very emotional person, in fact some think I'm cold (and you know who you are!). However, I would be remissed not to blog about those things in my life which are positive, and for which I'm thankful for in this past year. The biggest addition to my life in 2007 has been my swimmin sistas. What would I do without these friends? Though I may seem "distant" at some times, I'd go out of my way and bend over backwards for you all and help in any way I could. We've definitely had some great and memorable times--getting naked at bars, trips to swim meets (especially Paris and Philly), drunken sex talk at Nellies, and quiet dinners at home. And thank you all for driving my ass to and from practice. Not to mention your fat jokes keep me motivated to stay in shape, providing me with better health.

Next is my family. Although they don't read this (I hope!!), I'm so grateful for my new nephew. It was a long and arduous process for my sister just to have any child, but it was certainly worth the wait for this one. And of course, my mom and dad have been at my side whenever I need them.

Lastly, my other friends around the country are always there with a laugh and make traveling to see them a great reprieve from the pace of life in DC. I do need to make an effort to stay in better contact--but this is true of all my friends and family.

Social Obligatories

2007-11-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

One draw-back to being gay (besides the lack of civil rights and the constant necessity of keeping your ass spic n span) is the fact that gay culture is a Platonian series of rings, all orbiting around a focus--the club scene. It is unavoidable, one must patronize the gay bars and clubs or face gay social gangrene...slowly withering away til you're cut off by your friends. Now I'm not espousing the need for a Copernican revolution, switching the focus to something like the gym or needle-work...I enjoy my bourbon in social scenarios as much as the next alcoholic. But here's my dilemma...I rather despise clubs.

While working as a teacher in ATL, I needed more spending cash--it may be a shock to you, but teachers dont make much money, especially at private schools. I did a friend a favor and worked the door/ID's at the gay club he managed since he regular was out that night (I used to say I was a bouncer, which technically I was, but people laugh when . Somehow I got stuck with the gig...every Friday and Saturday night at Jungle. Eventually this arrangement also turned into Sat, Mon, and Thurs night. This might be a blessing to some...constant access to liquor and drum n bass...but not me. It meant being surrounded by crack whores 4-5 nights a week.

Why do I bring this issue up? Because the new Ed Bailey club "Town" is opening in DC this weekend, and it is compulsory that a young'ish single gay man attend such an event--or so the Law of Gravity in a Platonian solar system dictates. Of course I want to see and be seen, but I'm not so excited about paying for over-priced, water-downed bourbon, being surrounded by an alphabet soup of drugs, nor staying up til 4am. But how else am I to meet my future husband? Sitting spread eagle and naked in the sauna at Results with a "Yours for the Taking" sign sure isnt working. On the plus side, I would be able to get steak and eggs and Annies with the Architect's husband at 4:30am.

Call me June Cleaver

2007-11-13T11:24:00.000-05:00

...or better yet, call me Martha-Jean. After all, over the past weekend I successfully integrated tips from Martha and my mom (Jean) into a cohesive domestic experience reminiscent of June Cleaver, herself. Luckily, the Imelda was motivated to organize all of her belongings in preparation for our the hybrid fete of the Pentegenarian's birthday and our housewarming party on Sunday night. I think each of our guests were shocked to find her room in order. But to get it to that state required copious amounts of cleaning, organizing, shopping, and zshuzshing (to borrow a term from Queer Eye). Pictures, mirrors, shelves etc mounted on walls, carpets arranged, electronics properly wired and configured, 30 boxes unpacked and organized, food shopping, cooking, cleaning afterwards. No time for rest, that's for sure!!

And when it was all said and done, our hearth-warmed house was open to guests for wine, cheese, salad, lasagna, and birthday cake. Not to mention a few stiff cocktails made by yours truly. Needless to say, afterwards I went out and bought new curtains...always need to keep guests on their toes and impressed by new decorations. Martha and Jean would be proud.

These toys are FUN!

2007-11-08T08:48:00.000-05:00

I now know what to get all my friends for Xmas. Thanks to China, they've made shopping so much easier!! Click here to see what you're getting!

Beer DOES come in 4-packs

2007-11-06T14:40:00.000-05:00

Currently, my abs look like this...

Like all [gay] men, I'd like them to look like this...

However, I know that's not a possibility. Why? Exhibit A:

I made this cake exactly 40 hours ago. No one besides me has eaten any of the cake. In fact, 1/2 of the cake was eaten in 24 hours. These binging habits are why I never buy baking goods...I love them, and gorge them all too rapidly and solitarily.

Calories = 3100

Grams of fat = 80

From Ducks to Domiciles

2007-11-05T12:20:00.000-05:00

Wow....its been a crazy week. Where to begin? First, I've been absent due to my move. As alluded to in previous posts, I have becomes a non-sexual domestic partner with The Imelda. We found a quaint condo in Mt Pleasant to lease. So all last week I was packing up my old apt and getting ready for the move. Luckily, I convinced Neighbor Chad to help me pack in exchange for a homemade Italian feast. Very fair I'd say. The movers came on Thursday--I give them 4 Stars for friendliness, efficiency, and moving skill. Since then I've been unpacking and buying needless shit for the new place. The Imelda takes up residence on Wednesday. And I did check...she has 2-3x the closet space that I do, so hopefully all her shoes will fit.

(Not my decorations. Naturally mine are better.)

And if you're lucky you'll be invited to the housewarming!

Now how could I forget, in the midst of all that madness, my favorite day/night of the year came to pass. Yes...Halloween. Though I had some great costume ideas set aside from previous years, we had to go with a swim suit theme for our a team fundraiser at Nellies. I couldnt be something stereotypical or cliche, so I thought of the wackiest thing I could...speedo and rubber duckies. Now some may consider it a crime to cover my very reputable ass with plastic oddities, but the bobbing of duck bills and tails from the natural wiggle of my booty when I walk was (I'm sure) enough to please those who I would have otherwise offended. I did have some problems with people grabbing certain duckies, but a little ingenuity (box packing tape from the move) solved the problem of falling ducks over the course of the night.

Reasons Why I'm Gay (II)

2007-10-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

...Women are so friggin gullible! One of my favorite websites is Landover Baptist Church. If you haven't read it, you will shit your pants laughing (especially if you're an atheist). The concept is that its a satire on ultra-conservative baptists churches. However, there is one part of the website where people write emails to the supposed "Pastor"...many of which are complaints about the "church's" intolerance. Notice that 85% of the emails are from women. Why? Cause they're so friggin dumb that they don't realize the humor/satire of the site. I attribute the remaining 15% of emails from men to the fact that they have their Bibles shoved so far up their asses that they cant think correctly...most likely because Bible anal insertion requires A LOT of poppers...just ask GCC.

Wish me luck!

2007-10-26T11:38:00.001-04:00

So I'm heading "home" this weekend to the town where I grew up...the burbs outside Philadelphia. One of my "little sisters" (youngest daughter of our closest family friends who was a swimmer too and had no brothers) is getting married. I guess most people get excited about going home after not having seen the town in years...I don't. I left the area for a reason--I didn't particularly enjoy my childhood years there...hence moving far away to the South. I know I'm going to come face-to-face with annoyances from my past--fat chicks who want to dance with the gay guy, losers, and real estate agents. Since I never went to my 10-year reunion, this will be the closest thing to it. I have images of Romy and Michelle in my head. --Yes, I invented Post-It Notes.-- Especially since I was a quasi-nerd back in high school, but will probably be the only 29yr old male there with abs and a full head of hair.

(below is written from my sister's suburban castle)

Case in point, the sister who's organizing a lot of the reception asked me "Do you want to sit with ___ (insert names of fat chicks) or your parents?" I went with my parents. A. I don't get to see them very often; B. Otherwise I'd have endless questions from air-headed cheerleader wannabees while staring at caked-on makeup. Just what I need...more fag hags. Nevertheless, I'll undoubtedly spend 10 min picking out the perfect tie to match the suit I packed in the hopes of being second-to-none when it comes to formal fashion (I quickly shoved 4 ties in my suitcase). Hey...I'm gay...gotta reputation to uphold

Talkin' Shit

2007-10-23T11:50:00.001-04:00

With the cyber-death of Gay Canuck in the Captial, there has been a measurable decrease in the discussion of poop in the blogosphere--dirty asses, fetishes, toilet humor, bathroom behavior, sexual escapades gone wrong, etc. Its time for me to add my 2 cents...

Growing up, I never shat in public facilities. I attribute this embarrassment to having private bathrooms in our elementary classrooms. It was just a room at the back of the class. We didn't have hall bathrooms...at least not many, and you couldn't use them during class time. You had to use the "closet" at the back of the room. There was no fan, and hardly a sound barrier, so you could hear just about any noise that escaped from under the door. I rarely even used them to pee. The same applied in middle and high school--I only ever peed in school bathrooms. Never shat. This public shit phobia continued even through college and my first jobs.

For some reason, when I started my job here I had no problem shitting. Probably cause its a large office building and I get lost in the mix of people using the facilities. Its hard to say..."Oh daaaaayum, C-A just dropped a bomb in the bathroom." But still, as GCC pointed out, I use the bathroom one floor above or below for such activities. I even got into a routine...almost every day at 10am. I guess that's when the coffee finally kicked in. Your physiology definitely gets into rhythms, that was mine. But now somehow my rhythm has been broken. I haven't shat at work in months probably. Cant even remember the last time. Very odd. Maybe I need more fiber...or just a good f*^%#.

Microevolution in DC

2007-10-19T08:52:00.001-04:00

The other day I referred to reverse evolution--degeneration of derived traits to more ancestral forms. Today I'd like to introduce another evolutionary term and metaphor for what is unraveling here in DC. Microevolution is what we think of as "Dawinian Evolution"...the slow process of natural selection, but which the traits most adapted to the environment or conferring the highest fitness survive and reproduce more, thus becoming more abundant in the population. Changes (mutation) occur about 1x10e-8 cell divisions, so the chances of having a beneficial change that actually gets passed on to offspring (i.e., its a mutation in the germ cells) are pretty slim. Thus evolution in a Darwinian sense occurs very slowly over time (hopefully I'll find a DC metaphor to explain Macroevolution on here one day).

Incremental Change

In my 1.75 years here in DC I've noticed that 1. its a pretty liberal, educated, and techno-savvy town, 2. nothing gets done because of politicking, and 3. its expensive to take taxis everywhere. I was elated to hear that Fenty has ordered the switch to fare meters for our taxis. I usually take a taxi 1 or 2 times a week at most. Usually so I don't have to walk home drunk from Dupont and get mugged. The ride is 2 zones, or $8.80 in non-peak times. Its $10 during peak. FYI...the ride is 1 mile; less as the crow flies. Even worse is $6.50 to go 5 blocks to the Metro. Add in fuel surcharges (like during the summer), and I just walked or bus'ed everywhere.

So here we are...about to install these state-of-the-art (in 1891) taxi meters on all of our cabs. At the same time, NYC is moving ahead with a system that includes four main components:

A credit card/debit card payment system (about 10% of taxis in DC accept cards)

Passenger Information Monitor [PIM], essentially a TV screen that will be installed in the back seat to flash advertisements and entertainment to riders as well as a live map, facilitated by GPS, that will show passengers where they are;

Trip Sheet Automation that uses AVL [Automatic Vehicle Locater] technology — the equivalent of GPS—to automatically collect data about each individual cab ride; and

text messaging for the driver that will flash messages from TLC when the cab is stopped, or going very slowly, according to TLC's Web site.

Shouldn't we be looking to the future for our "enhancements" to the taxi system, such as NYC is doing? Maybe Congress can mandate we make these changes 25 years from now when taxis are completely obsolete.

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be...

2007-10-18T11:44:00.000-04:00

Popular. Ever notice that when there's a news report about some kid who dies tragically, its always the hot football jock or Mr. Popular? Car crash, freak accident, or Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. Those things never happen to the class nerd or the loner that no one cares about (no...they go on shooting rampages). I remember when I was in high school, our class clown/hottie football jock/Mr Popular died when the tires came off his car and he crashed head-on into a truck (freak accident combined with car crash). Inevitably the whole school was in morning for weeks. Counseling is needed, tributes at football games, yearbooks, etc. If it happened to the Average Joe, things would be so much easier. Luckily, I was the Average Joe...played sports, but not too well; wasn't bad looking, but not enough to be either teased (besides being short) or lose my virginity--making me cool; got good grades, but wasn't valedictorian. I played it safe in the nice meaty part of the bell curve in every aspect. And here I am, almost 30 and still kickin!

So mama...tell you babies to grow up to be science geeks or business nerds. That'll assure them success in life, and the ability to make it through high school without dying some prematurely.

A Step Backwards

2007-10-16T12:42:00.000-04:00

Reverse evolution is the process by which a more derived trait of an organism degenerates into the the more ancestral version over time. The textbook example is cave fish--since they live in areas without light, the production of maintenance of eyes or other visual sensors is a waste of energy (and thus lowers fitness), so over time, cave fish have lost their eyes though other physiologies have evolved to adapt to their environment.

Today, like the cave fish, I took a step back. (I'd like to think that since leaving the PhD program with a MS, this is my only other case of reverse evolution.) Moving to DC was a significant accomplishment--new city, new well salaried job, new apartment...new life. Things were changing for the best. Not knowing anyone here, I moved into a 1 bedroom apartment by myself. If someone told me back when I had my first apartment in NC (paying $300/month) that I would some day spend $1500 on rent, I would've said "You're fucking nuts!" Amazing how shit happens. Ever since I was 24 and had enough of living with shitty roomies, I've lived alone--a major evolutionary step in maturing.

Step backwards.

As luck would have it, I'll soon be living with The Imelda. We just signed the lease today...and granted our new place is large, its probably not large enough for her 1,060 pairs of shoes. Though I'm not "scared" of living with her, I am somewhat apprehensive about living with someone again. For one, I rarely wear clothes while at home. Its nice to just be able to lay around in underwear or walk around naked. Also, though I rarely have sex, it will be odd having to restrict myself to times/places in the apartment that are convenient. No more sex on the living room floor I guess. And back to muzzling those screaming bottoms. Luckily I have my own bathroom. The good thing...my domestic side will come out--I love to cook, but not just for myself. And since we're on somewhat similar schedules, I'll hopefully have the opportunity to start cooking a lot more. And who doesn't want to save $400 a month?!!

Almost a Sucker

2007-10-12T08:59:00.000-04:00

Last night I decided to have a "night off"...no socializing, gym, or swimming. Inevitably that means I spent the better part of the night chatting online, flipping through tv channels, watching porn, and jerking off a few times. Three of those four can create an additively dangerous environment, "The Perfect Storm." So there I was chatting with some young hot thing (I think I attract them like flies to shit) from Atlanta. He was supposed to visit/fly to DC this weekend, but a friend's family emergency meant that he had no place to stay. Enter "The Perfect Storm"...I start thinking (after seeing his pics and discussing sexual proclivities) that I could help a gay in need and provide him with a floor/sofa/bed/penis to sleep on this weekend. Might be kinda odd, but is that any worse than hooking up with a complete stranger? I justified this line of thought by the fact that we had friends in common in ATL--or at least that's what Myspace said. Fortunately after jerk-off session #2, the storm passed, the skies cleared, and I regained my sanity. But if it wasn't for a few hot clips on Xtube, who knows what exploits I would have shared on here come Monday.

Lamest tattoo ever!!

2007-10-09T22:41:00.000-04:00

I was at Results tonight, doin the elliptical (since I cant lift with my gimp hand) when I saw a guy with the same tattoo on both arms--large black arrows with red trim pointing down. What the hell was he thinking?!! Obviously some chick was desperate, cause she was hitting on him and commenting on the tats.

Cover Stories

2007-10-09T13:05:00.000-04:00

For those of us who try to butch it up as much as we can, covering up the really gay aspects of our lives are important, especially when it comes to injuries. For instance, when a friend spiral fractured his leg playing tennis (gay sport) over New Years Day, we said it was from falling out of the sling during a gang bang...believable given the person's sexual escapades. Likewise, this weekend I went to Philly for their annual gay swim meet, OutFestival, and to see my newborn nephew. I was entered in their mini sprint competition...4 individual races, 50yds of each stroke (fly, back, free, breast). I predicted that I would win the competition, and thus all hotties would want to bang...big time. First off, I'd like to admit that I'm not always right.

The meet location was kinda shitty...I had problems adjusting to the poorly light pool. For some reason I kept misjudging the distance to the walls, taking an extra stroke, and slamming my fingers and hands into the wall....hard. After doing it in the relay (breast) and fly, my body had it. It felt like I broke my hand on the finish. I would've scratched the rest of my events, but the Aries in my kept up the fight (or maybe it was the Eye of the Tiger since I was back in my hometown of Philly). But in all honesty, it was probably the desire to win my medal and be totally bang'able. I could picture all the bottoms from across the DelVal area flocking. So I taped up and kept swimming, hoping the endorphins and adrenaline would block out the severe pain. They did. Then on the last event (breast) I did it again. I was going hard into the wall to touch out the guy I thought was really hot. Maybe I should've let him win...his ego wouldn't have been so badly bruised, and neither would my hand. Maybe then he would've given up a piece.

So here I sit with my medal, wrapped up hand, and still sexless. I am a complete disappointment to the team--I think they value "inter-squad camaraderie" over total points won. Maybe next time I'll just focus on sex instead of swimming. Then again, I think that's what I did on Saturday anyway. But alas, I still need a better cover story than "I broke my hand at a swim meet." Maybe something like "I saved a blind pregnant woman from getting mugged," or "I was fisting a hot muscular virgin bottom when his sphincters suddenly contracted, crushing my hand." Better ideas?

Random memories

2007-10-04T09:03:00.000-04:00

I cherish memories of my youth, but there are some that are so far back in my cobweb filled brain, that it takes one helluva trigger to bring them forward. This morning I was at Einstein Bagels and one such trigger hit me like a ton of bricks...they're advertising their new pizza bagels, and you'll see where this is going in a minute.

I had a very close relationship with my paternal grandfather. Being the youngest of all the grandchildren, I was the most energetic and willing to learn from his wisdom. He also lived 3/4 of a mile away, so his house was an easy getaway from my regular family, and I was always welcome...whether it was to help him cut the grass, tend to the garden, build something out of wood, play some baseball, climb trees, or even just sit, watch tv and listen to stories. Peter, from which my middle name is derived, was born in 1908, and as a history buff you can imagine how I was awe-stuck by some of the things he had to say. As I lived somewhat of a reclusive adolescence, due to my inner gay conflict, he was at times one of my best friends. Though being 70 years my senior, Pete only saw the first 17 years of his favorite grandson's life.

Now Pete was an old fashioned patriarch...he was the provider and counselor. Mary, his wife, stayed at home to cook, clean, raise the children. She didn't even know how to drive a car. Being the stereotypical Depression Era male, Pete didn't really know how to cook--at all. He could make two things: soft boiled eggs and pizza on an English muffin. I still remember standing on a chair, watching as he taught me to use the toaster oven, spread pizza sauce, cheese, and pepperoni on a split Thomas English Muffin, and bake it til golden brown. The amazing thing is, for someone clueless about cooking, he even taught me how to properly spice it with oregano. This is quite possibly the first thing I ever learned to cook...which snowballed into my current culinary prowess.

Maybe My Life Isn't So Bad

2007-10-03T13:44:00.000-04:00

I just finished the most recently completed (posthumously) story by J.R.R. Tolkien. For those of you who lived 2001-2004 in a time warp, he's the author of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. His son has taken on the job of assembling his notes and pieces of stories, along with the constructions of worlds and languages to complete The Simarillion, The Unfinished Tales, and now...(drum roll)...The Children of Hurin.

Plot Summary:
Turin is the son of Hurin, one of the Lords of Men when the elves ruled Middle Earth. Hurin, after losing the great battle against the Dark Lord Morgoth, is enslaved. Turin is then raised by the Elvish King Thingol, but apart from his mother.

Shitty life moment #1: Dad is a slave to the powers of evil

Shitty life moment #2: Orphaned to the Elves--and we all know how hot they are. Legolas...mmmmm (look but don't touch)

Turin grows up to be a fine specimen of a man, slaying orcs left and right and protecting Middle Earth from evil. After a quarrel with an elf lord, he flees civilization to live in the wild.

Shitty life moment #3: Adjusting from Charmin to tree leaves

After more battles, he meets a woman in the woods, marries with her, and plants his seed. Later he discovers...

Shitty life moment #4: His wife is his sister (EEEEWWWW!)

Analysis:
But besides the tortured soul aspects, the book is filled with great visuals of epic battles, dragons, landscape, and elvish hotties. And it wasn't plagued by the terminology contained in The Simarillion (considered a "very hard read" by most literary scholars).

Overall Grade: A-

Study: DC is Immune from Alzheimer's

2007-10-02T08:55:00.000-04:00

After finishing The Swarm and The Children of Hurin (review pending), I've returned to my daily routine of reading The Express on my 4 Metro stop ride to work. Its amazing how everyone has the same but different routine when it comes to reading the paper during their commute. I read page 1 and 3, skim through the international, read the local, then the blog page (of course), "today in history", then if I have time, I read The Onion-like content on page 2. As an aside, whoever writes the horoscopes for The Express fuckin sucks! They're never even close to right.

So today's article that caught my eye was a recently released study of the linkage between how people classify their personalities and the likelihood of developing Alzheimer's. The gist of the study is that Type-A personalities (organized, driven, dominate) had a much lesser chance of developing Alzheimer's later in life. The really interesting part of the 200 word blurb was that some autopsies showed that even though Type-A people may have had bran lesions characteristic of Alzheimer's, they rarely developed signs of dementia, symptomatic of Alzheimer's. Very cool.

So since DC is 95% Type-A (I leave 5% for the hippies, coffee baristas, and Greenpeace solicitors), few of us should be walking around muttering nonsense by the age of 72. This is definitely a relief for me...my nonsensical mutterings must be some other mental disorder, and not Alzheimer's.

I Look Like a Fool For Nothing!!

2007-09-26T18:53:00.000-04:00

Our late blog-friend the GCC scolds me every time I'm sighted biking without my helmet. I'm foolish, I know. There's no excuse, even for a gay man who needs unmolested hair at all times. But I literally did a LOL today on the Metro while reading my latest Scientific American magazine. Link to article

Men Are Becoming Superfluous

2007-09-25T08:54:00.000-04:00

Let's think about my reasons for having a man:

Confidant/entertainment

Sense of love/acceptance

Massage

Cuddling

Shared home/expenses

I've begun to analyze these points and determine whether I have them in my life, especially given the ever-increasing technological breakthroughs of the 21st century. Let's face it, the older you get, the more successful relationships become less about sex and physical attraction as fun and entertainment. If you have a great set of friends--which I'm slowly accumulating--what's the need for a bf? Granted, those friends may never love you, but they provide that much needed sense of acceptance. Then there's sex: the mother of all components for a young gay man...but let's face it, we all admit that jerking off is just as effective, if not better half the time. And once I start taking yoga, I'll be able to lick my own ass and give myself head. Or I can just become a bottom and experience the joys of vibrators/dildos/plugs/beads. Now I've always admitted that a good massage is much better than sex, and leading the active lifestyle that I do with constant walking, biking, gym, and swimming, I'm always in need of a good rub-down for my many sore muscles. Enter my new partner: the Homedics shiatsu massager.

I no longer need a man to rub my back, shoulders, or feet. And the best part? This one can go for hours. I think last night I literally let the thing work out the knots in my back for 2hrs straight. Put it on the floor....feet are taken care of. And no complaining about hands being tired. Couple that to a nice big body pillow, and you've got all the physical needs for having a man covered. Now I just need to find someone to split my overly inflated DC rent costs.

BAM!!

2007-09-24T14:03:00.000-04:00

Following the lead of my dear swim-wife the Arian-Mexican Offspring, I've decided to post recipes that I make that turn out well. By recipes, I mean creations or ConsummateAries-originals. I cant remember the last time I followed a written recipe while cooking (which is why I don't bake), so bear with me...there are no measurements when I cook...just a sprinkle of this or that and a dash here and there.

With that said, this weekend I tackled a food that I have never attempted to cook before, and only rarely attempted (read *was forced*) to eat: brussel sprouts (BS). The bane of dining for most children. I figured that I could improve upon them. So here's what I did....

Prep the BS by cutting off the bottom stem nub, halving, and removing the tough outer layers of leaf; wash and set aside

In a large skilled over medium heat add a little olive oil and 1/4 lb of diced thick slice bacon; render out the fat (but leave in the pan) til crispy

Before the bacon is completely crispy, add 1/3 diced Vidalia onion and two diced garlic gloves; sautee

Add the BS, sautee for a few minutes, stirring occasionally

Add at least 1/2 cup of white wine or apple juice to the hot pan to deglaze; let the alcohol burn off for a minute; cover and simmer

When the BS are tender, add 2tbs of butter to the pan to thicken the sauce

Always remember to continually taste for salt and pepper (or other seasonings as you go thru the cooking process)

Show Me the Money!!

2007-09-24T13:42:00.000-04:00

Yet again, we're approaching the end of the 2007 fiscal year, which means that in order for the government to (theoretically) function, a new annual budget must be passed starting October 1st. And yet again, Congress has yet to provide such a spending bill. Now we all procrastinate on some things, and turn in other projects late on occasion. However, this task is becoming incredibly problematic for our Congress. Not only are they running late this year, they never passed a budget last year! Since the primary job of Congress is to (1) levy taxes and spend those taxes, and (2) create laws, they are in serious dereliction of their #1 job. I used to get pissed off when Congress would debate bullshit issues like gay marriage instead of coming up with important legislation such as gun control, health care, education reform, etc...but at least back in the good ole days they finished their primary job before dealing with the needless instead of the needed. What can be said about the last two bodies that we've elected?

The Brave One

2007-09-23T22:24:00.000-04:00

On Saturday I finally got to see The Brave One, and I'm still living vicariously through Jodie Foster's character. I think anyone who lives in a urban area and needs to deal with human slime on a daily basis will thoroughly enjoy the flick. How many of us who ride the Metro every day, especially the Green Line, would love nothing more than to shoot the thugs that annoy us with impunity? But besides the revenge concept of the movie, it also reminds us that danger and violence occurs all around us...a walk through the park, the metro, convenience store, etc. Though I have yet (and I stress yet) to be the victim of violent crime, the movie instills the need for eternal vigilance, especially since I'm not permitted to carry a handgun or shoot any perceived threats in the face.

The Soprano in the Capital

2007-09-22T19:56:00.000-04:00

...And the screen goes black. How do I describe my emotions today? Shock, dismay, sadness? A great thing has ended...the Gay Canuck in the Capital blog. I'm sure many of use are left wondering "Why?!" on this black day in September. Could it be work oversight, counsel from therapy, a lack of things to say (I seriously doubt it)? Whatever the reason, I'd just like to thank GCC for many hours of laughter, insight, and banter. And as I return to work on Monday, I'll have to find one more thing to do to waste time. Maybe take a shit TWO floors down instead of one.

When Tricks Go Bad

2007-09-21T09:16:00.000-04:00

Joe, me, Ken

My friend Ken...how do I begin to explain him? First of all, he's latin--that is not mean to be prejudicial or stereotypical (although stereotypes are there for a reason). But he confesses that his lifestyle is due to his Colombian heritage. He's 37, probably doesnt have a savings account, no credit, and a rollercoaster of occupations. Oh...and he's probably ATL's biggest whore. His fuck list is extensive, everyone know's Ken. He estimates his # to be in the thousands. He's also the former captain of the gay soccer team in ATL, which has their World Cup in Argentina this weekend. His roommate is my best friend Joe.

So this week some of the soccer guys went to Blake's (the old standby bar in ATL). Ken, also an alcoholic, gets shitty drunk as always. The rest of the crew leaves Ken to his self-destruction. Apparently he closes down the bar, and walks the 2 blocks home with his trick-o-the-night. Problem #1: Ken passes out. The trick the proceeds to steal his wallet, keys, car, and Joe's laptop. Most pathetically, he also stole the box of cereal that Joe left out for the next morning's breakfast.

Problem #2: Joe's passport is in his stolen laptop bag

Problem #3: Its Wed morning, their flight to Argentina is Sat AM.

Problem #4: Ken files a police report, but has NO CLUE what the trick looks like. So they were basically robbed by the invisible man.

So Joe is in town now at the passport office, we'll hang out later. At least it gives me an opportunity to see him. Well he just called, so I'm off to entertain...more details to come.

What's Today?

2007-09-19T20:55:00.000-04:00

I was very much looking forward to this week. My calendar at work, which I live by, told me that I had a 3D modeling course all Tues-Fri at 16 and K St...which meant I could roll out of bed at 9am, cook breakfast, and bike down the hill in 15min for a 10am start. And that's what I did on Tuesday. It was then discovered that the one stability in my life--my calendar--lied to me. Wrong week. In a tizzy I quickly booked a train to Princeton for a meeting I couldnt originally make. Got the last hotel room in the area, packed a bag, and off I went to Union Station. After a successful set of meetings, I've fully overtaken the Princeton research lab and made those scientists my thralls. *evil laugh*

Tomorrow: more meetings in two cities. Friday I'm taking off...story to come. So much for swimming each night this week!

Quick Thoughts

2007-09-17T16:31:00.000-04:00

While walking down 16th St this morning, and seeing one of Columbia Heights' locals, I realized that the one thing fat, old, black women should NOT wear: pasley hankerchief/do-rag.

The Swarm

2007-09-17T14:56:00.000-04:00

I'm not a big fiction novel reader, usually a story has to have some plausible tie to reality--which is why I typically only read historical fiction. The only true fictional books that I have read in recent memory were the J.R.R. Tolkien books (Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Simarillion), of course I enjoyed them, as I live for the movies. One of my coworkers convinced me to read a relatively new book, The Swarm. Its an oceanographic science fiction--which appeals to my inner marine biologist. Like LOTR, this book is HUGE...886 pages (and only one picture).

The Skinny on the Fatty Book:
I am a man of little patience when it comes to life, though I try my hardest when dealing with people. Let's just sat that a good 350 pages could have been edited out of the current version of The Swarm simply from unnecessary dialog and plot lines that are irrelevant to the final story conclusion. The author, Frank Schatzing, did an incredible amount of research for this book, and it seemed he like to prove it. Then there's the dialogue..."GET ON WITH IT!" (I kept hearing Monty Python scream that in my head) But if you're not an ADD reader like myself, and enjoy a good yarn, the story is quite fascinating--much like The Matrix in its ability to make you question your understanding of life and consciousness.

Major Plot line: Weird shit starts happening in the oceans--whales attack boats, deep sea worms destabilize methane seeps, toxic endoparasites are found in lobsters, etc. After the continental shelves collapse and a mega-tsunami wipes out all of northern Europe, it is discovered that all these problems are linked. The world, lead by the U.S. (odd since it was written by a German), tries to solve the problem combining scientific and military might. The revelation? A species of amoeba-like algae have evolved a consciousness much like, and superior to, humans. It is able to analyze and solve problems, strategize, and communicate. It can also invade and control any life form it interacts with. To overcome this threat, man must recognize that he is not in control of Earth.

Overall Grade: B

The Cyber Closet

2007-09-17T12:48:00.000-04:00

Most of us reading this blog are proud to be openly gay citizens, though the degree of outness sometimes varies--are you out to just yourself, family, friends, coworkers, ex-girl friends? I'm not passing judgement on what degree is good or bad, we all come to that position of acceptance and comfort at different stages in our lives. However, no matter how "Out" we seem to be as gay men, there's still the last closet door that many are unwilling to open: admitting you met someone online.

Let's face it, we all do it. In fact, this medium, along with sites like Myspace, Friendster, Gay.Com, ManHunt, etc all promote online meetings. Where would we be without them? Hopelessly friendless or frequenting bars and bathhouses more often is my bet. So right...we've all met friends online. Why then are people afraid to admit to friends that they met someone online? Like coming out, it took me a while to feel comfortable saying it, but now I look back on how absurd online closets are. There's nothing funnier than the dynamic of standing with a group of friends at a bar, another acquaintance comes over, you introduce them. Inevitably the next question is "so how do you know each other?" In days past I might say, "Oh we have a mutual friend in Atlanta" or something else almost as believable. Now I say, "we met online"...and there appears the look of shock on both the faces of your group of friends and your "acquaintance"...HE SAID THE O-WORD!!

Now if you're The Imelda and drunk, you'll press even more to make the O-closeted acquaintance even more uncomfortable..."so which site was it?" I think that might be a step too far, I don't want to really "out" the person for being on men4menwholovechickensex.com or something of the sort. But I have no problems admitting it.

Creating the Mammy

2007-09-13T22:34:00.000-04:00

Years ago we came up with term--a group lingo of sorts. Now its officially in the Urban Dictionary. Could this be my single greatest achievement ever?

Refer to definition #1

Continued Frustration

2007-09-12T16:03:00.000-04:00

Two days ago the lawyer asked me out to dinner on Sunday, I happily agreed. Today I got a group email:

Hi boys,

Mark/Rick/Steve, a newby to DC from Texas, and I (also a Tex-patriot) want to find the best, cheap authentic mexican food our nation's capital has to offer. To do so, we intend to hit up every mexican-esque joint in the district. This weekend I thought this quaint little joint on Columbia rd just NE of 18th street would be a good place to start. I believe it is called Mex Tex.
I was thinking that Sunday night might be the best night to do it but am open to other suggestions.

Let me know if you are interested.
The Lawyer

So much for a quaint, romantic dinner...

Too gay to function

2007-09-11T16:52:00.000-04:00

Hand Waving: Nature or Nurture?

2007-09-11T09:13:00.001-04:00

I almost threw up this morning--and no, not because I'm fat and bulimic. I was watching CNN and they led a story with the line like "Politics...is it nature or nurture?" They then described a study whereby a group of scientists looked at regions of activity within the brain and were able to find differences between liberals and conservatives and seemed to espouse the nature side of the dichotomy. Naturally, this neural differentiation must imply that republicans are genetically different from democrats.

Ugh...what kind of bullshit are they trying to feed us? What kind of scientific reviewers/editors/writers does CNN employ? And what kind of journal was this study actually published in, if those were the actual points of their results and discussion?

Basically, if there was a genetic basis, two conservative parents would have a very slim to no chance of having liberal kids. AND unless there is some middle aged gene activation, you wouldn't see the trend to become more conservative with age. Also...how about me? I grew up in a republican household, voted for Dole in '96 (god, I'm so ashamed), and shortly thereafter came to my senses--once I broke out of the thought control of my parents when I was about 19.

Though it might allow me to sleep better at night to know that republicans are potentially just mutative freaks of nature.

Streaking

2007-09-11T09:02:00.000-04:00

In today's Washington Post Express, there was a story about a burglar who had to flee the scene of a crime without his clothes, after a fight with the homeowner. I'm not sure which is worse...the fact that he was burglarizing, or he had to run around Duluth, MN naked. I'm pretty sure it never gets above 0 deg C there.

So what crazy streaking stories do you have? My neighbor recently regaled a group of us with his story of streaking down Connecticut Avenue in Cleveland Heights on a weekend night.

Inertia

2007-09-06T16:17:00.000-04:00

Few things instill a greater sense of disgust in me more than morbidly obese people. I guess I see it as complete laziness. I've exercised almost daily for my entire life. Cant people just go for a walk for 30min three times a week? I constantly yell/lecture my mom on this issue, as she has struggled with weight gain. Granted, some degree of obesity may be genetic, due to other health conditions, or even virally induced. However, it can usually be controlled to some extent. My mother is probably like the 90% of fat Americans...she's just lazy. The day she gets a hover-round, I'm gonna lose it.

This morning on my walk to the metro I encountered an Orca-fat person riding their hover-round down the side walk. At 600lbs, that must be some battery and motor. The amazing thing: she was seat belted into it. Even though Newton stated that "every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it," I seriously doubt a little jolt is gonna send that 600lb amorphous blob flying through the air. More likely, that object that is resting 95% of its life will stay resting. But if it did lose contact with the seat, 1. I'd be scared or 2. I'd have to laugh.

Foot Orgasms

2007-09-04T16:18:00.000-04:00

I have an intimate relationship with my feet. As such, I need a partner who understands this, supports the relationship, and will satisfy my desires. This weekend I found one. You've all read about The Kid, and he was he who helped me discover this relationship. We were shopping at Pentagon City Mall when I saw my future partner from afar. Top level, somewhat inconspicuous. There it was...Clark. The Clarks store has brought joy to my life.

My attire at work is formal to business casual, either way I'm wearing dress shoes. Herein lies the problem: dress shoes aren't compatible with my 6 block walk to the Metro each way. In the year and a half I've been living in DC, I've gone thru 6 pairs of dress black shoes--or worn them enough to know that my feet deserve better. Like with men, I don't fuck around, I dump em as soon as I am confronted with even the slightest sign of incompatibility. But alas, I think I've found a true partner. Its amazing to see the evolution of shoe choice, it parallels my taste in men.

I started off with, of course, the cute Kenneth Coles. You know they look good, you think they're comfortable. But after I few weeks you tire of them. However, you keep them around for the rare dress occasion--dates, weddings, etc. Sound familiar?

I then moved on to some comfy Bass dress shoes. I actually had a pair of these before KC, but wore them out and decided to try something new. I came back to the old-standbys. They're similar to the KC's, but more walkable. Gave up after 3 months. This would be like my ex Greg, the hot caucasian Enrique Iglesias look-alike. All the features ya want, just not made for long-term durability.

Next was the Rockports. Not as cute as the KC's or Bass, but distinctive and good looking nonetheless. I still wear them. And for $75, you cant beat the comfort they provided. But alas, things wear out, and you must move on. As we used to sing in the Brownies, "Make new friends, but keep the old...one is silver and the other's gold." These are my "AtlWreck" of shoes...always gonna be there at some level.

At one point I started to question the overall comfort of the Rockports and decided to go completely with function over form. Enter the Merrell "dress shoes". Whenever I put them on, I thought of myself as the Monster from Young Frankenstein--Peter Boyle wore shoes with exaggerated soles. Eventually, my gay gene kicked back in and I couldn't wear these anymore. Plus I think they were worse for my feet, as I now have planter fasciitis. I'd compare these to the unnamed ex that we all have--we make some compromise and decide to go out with them only to realize it was a big mistake. Never compromise!

And then the skies opened, and there was sunlight. I bought a pair of Clarks as my dress brown shoes a while ago, they're great. I considered getting the same ones in black. Good thing I constantly procrastinate purchases. For it was then I discovered the Clark Privo! line. They're like wearing slippers...so comfy, great for walking, not horribly styled either. I probably could get away with them even in a suit for work--especially since straights dont look at shoes like we do. And they weren't nearly as expensive as those crappy shoes they sell at the stores on Connecticut near Dupont Circle--overpriced, and not really for walking. I have yet to find this man.

Alas, I'm happy again. Now if only I can get someone to rub my feet at night!

The Kid Report

2007-09-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

The common assumptions when meeting guys from online:

Add 25lbs
Subtract 4 visible abdominal muscles
Subtract 2 penis inches
Add 5 years
Add 1 octave to natural voice

So given those assumptions, I always have relatively realistic expectations when meeting people online. Luckily I had seen all the goods of The Kid from years of chatting, swapping pics, talking on the phone, and caming (back when people did that). But there's still room for surprise. I must admit, I was very pleasantly surprised with how the weekend turned out. He was cuter, same body, much bigger, and more down to earth than I expected. We did everything but get drunk--amazing for two gay guys, as bar/clubs are the social norm. Hopefully he'll come down for some more visits, I'm sure I'll head to Pittsburgh once or twice. No expectations, its just good to have fun in life.

Fashion Police

2007-08-31T12:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday while waiting for the Metro to arrive, I was struck by a relatively attractive guy on the platform--rare for Silver Spring. I was then equally struck by his god-awful shoes. They were neither Tevas nor Crocs, but the bastardized child spawned from the breeding of those two fashion faux-pas: Croq-sandals. Unbelievable...Crocs with straps around parts of the foot. Granted, I wear some ugly shoes to work cause they're good for walking, and I routinely do 1.5 miles of walking in my daily commute...but come on! Do you really need to wear Croc sandals to work?!!

And now the sickest manifestation of Crocs...female dress shoes. As if slip-ons weren't bad enough before, they've just become quite possibly the least sexy item a woman can wear on her feet.

The Kid

2007-08-30T12:57:00.001-04:00

As alluded to in a previous blog, I should have another outta-towner visit this weekend. And, like any visitor, there's a helluva story that goes along with this one. I started chatting with this guy Mike online--I don't remember how/where we met. He was living in Pitt, I was in Atlanta. He was younger (like 18/19) but cute and sweet...and being 24, that was an acceptable age range still. We never really intended on meeting, just one of those long distance chat pals (or the equivalent of the modern-day pen pal). We stopped chatting when he started dating a 40-something man, who was obviously only into the relationship to keep Mike as his prize. I couldn't convince him of it, even though the daddy constantly cheated on him. Stuff like that frustrates me so greatly that I just need to cease communication with weak-minded (and willed) people.

After a two year hiatus, we reconnected a few months ago. And with it came a confession: he's now 21, which made him considerably younger at the time. Basically, he lied to me--he wasn't sure, but he said there was the possibility that he wasn't even 18 at the time. I got very disgusted over this, as I have never considered even chatting with a youngin--even if it was legal in good ole Georgia, where I lived. Oh well...water under the bridge now.

So now that I'm in DC, he's lookin forward to meeting. I'm slightly apprehensive, as nothing good usually comes from meeting someone you've "known" for so long. Its usually quite disappointing. (WOW...I have a classic story to share when I have the time) But what the hell...cant hurt. If he's absolutely annoying in person, I'm man enough to say that now, and Pitt isn't too far a drive back home anyway.

Pee-Pee Observations

2007-08-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Behaviors that confer an elevated fitness on the individual are often passed down through the generations--this is an essential element of natural selection and evolution. For example, intricate mating calls may be linked with other phenotypic traits that improve reproductive success, and often they reduce the need to expend energy visually searching for mates or finding the wrong sex or species after searching--less time searching means more time for mating, and thus more offspring. Its easy to see how behaviors may be inherited. Some behaviors, however, seem to have little to no evolutionary benefit--as is the case with many human traits, since the environment rarely dictates our fitness. As I am an astute observer of behaviors (it was part of my original dissertation), I'm often puzzled by some of these displays when it comes to peeing. Apparently there are many convergent or inherited behaviors that are common place in bathrooms from sea to shining sea...I'll outline the ones I just don't get:

The need to spit into the urinal while unzipping the fly
Peeing with no hands
Rocking back n forth or side to side
Propping oneself up on the wall or urinal divider with one arm
Groaning

Contemptuous Careers

2007-08-29T13:29:00.000-04:00

Most of us in DC work at relatively large agencies, companies, or corporations. Part of this work environment is dealing with people who have completely different jobs than your own, and thus personalities. In prior jobs, I had to work alongside with engineers quite often--who are their own breed of human; some may argue that they're not real people at all. Currently the people that irk me greater than any other group are those that deal with policy and political relations. Specifically inter-agency and international affairs. I often look at them and think, "God, I'd kill myself if this was my job!" It seems like all they do is worry about this or that so that no one is ever offended, regardless of how useless that entity may be in the scheme of things. Do they really take joy in sweating the little things?

Every time I deal with policy people, I just want to strangle them. I guess this is definitely one area where my Aries hinders my job--I cant bite my tongue, beat around the bush, or sugar-coat things. But maybe this is why I am single, as asked by GCC. Do I treat too many people in my social life with the same amount of disdain as I do policy makers/political kiss-asses? If so, I need to identify this flaw and potentially correct my ways.

Quick Thoughts

2007-08-29T09:02:00.001-04:00

I need to be more careful about what I look at on my computer. My boss, the director or satellite research, keeps popping in to chat or ask questions on a plan we're working on. Two days ago an email "Washington DC Young Gay Professionals" was on my huge 24" monitor. Today, I juuust minimized my blog screen with the porn image from the BDB blog before he came in. And yes...my back is turned to the door, but I hate sun on my screen.

BDB Update

2007-08-27T09:02:00.000-04:00

Sorry to disappoint, especially the Arian-Mexican Offspring, but BDB couldnt make it to town due to car troubles. DAMNIT! I have another visitor this weekend (story to come) so it might be a while before I get to see BDB again.

Big Dicked Bottom

2007-08-25T11:04:00.000-04:00

The Big Dicked Bottom, or BDB, is a guy I met online last year. Unfortunately he lives in Eastern Shore, so my exploits with him are somewhat limited. But our story is quite amazing. The BDB somehow chose me above all others on Myspace to hang out with....his first gay friend in DC. At 25, and a big Italian stallion muscle stud, he had never been with a guy before. WHAT?! Yea, I'm not shitting ya. So after "chilling" for a bit--mind you he brings out the butchest side in me, but its ok--we start messing around. I can tell he's not lying about me being his first guy as 1. he's obviously nervous and 2. isn't that 'good'. But these are the things you need to put up with when dealing with virgins.

Let's just say his virginity didn't last too long. He must've been fantasizing about this moment for a long time, as he was very willing. I doubt I've ever encountered anything hotter than a big muscle bottom begging for more. His ass is named "Henry" because its so large it requires naming. Wow. And not flabby, all muscle with some padding. Obviously, with a name like BDB, he ain't hurtin up front either.

So the good news...he's making a return trip to DC this weekend. I guess this will be our 4th meeting. It really is a shame he doesn't live here, nor is he planning to move. Oh well. One more potential that has no potential.

The Single Life

2007-08-24T13:09:00.000-04:00

After freely admitting that he'd toss me like a cum rag, GCC wonders 'why I think I'm single'. *Deep breath*

I think I've thrown around this "problem" before, as I'm constantly asked about it. To begin, I've had 3 real relationships in my life. I classify them as that since at some point I cried over the person I was with. As you all know, there's the now infamous Nicole, who most of the team has met, but also JR and Erik. Others I'd just classify as dates. I think in all of those cases, each person will testify to the fact that I'm a giving person. I gladly go the extra mile for big things, but never forget the little things. And even when a relationship ends, its rarely on a bad note. I'm still friends with all my ex's.

So why have I been single now for 5 years? (Odd isn't it? That's also the same length of time its been since I bottomed) I definitely have some theories to explain this question, lemme break em down:

Nomadic lifestyle. In the last 5 years, I've moved from ATL to FL to ATL to FL and finally to DC. Finding a relationship usually takes time, and no one moves without a little heads-up. Usually it takes me a good 6 months to meet a good group of friends and settle into a new city. From there it takes some time to meet the right guy via networking. As addicted as we all are to online man-searching, I've found that's rarely how the good ones are discovered. I don't date new-arrivals, and wouldn't expect anyone else to date me soon after moving--damaged goods.

Physical stature. Let's face it, most gay guys don't like smaller guys. The ones that do usually have issues (chicken hawks, the need to dominate, or they're even smaller than 5'6). I don't have a preference, necessarily, for any particular size. Though I do get hot 'n bothered by big "mountains of man". However, they almost NEVER want someone who's my size. Let's also not forget that most people assume short = full of attitude (arguable in my case). But I like all shapes and sizes.

The Aries personality. Some people really dislike my outspokenness, sarcasm, and biting sense of humor. I admit it, sometimes I should hold-back on certain comments, as many people can only throw punches and can't take em. As much as I throw, I take a regular beating too. Hell, my whole childhood was a verbal assault from peers. Above all else, personality it the clincher for me. The guy MUST be able to have dynamic, free-flowing conversations. I enjoy silence, but that should be a minority of the time. Some conversations are completely meaningless--back n forth comedy, but at least they keep you entertained. Not everything must be, for an example, a discourse on the intricacies of gene regulation or stable-state dynamics in ecosystems.

Miscellaneous. I reject the notion that a top wouldn't be interested in dating me. I'd gladly switch to a 50/50 or even 40/60 relationship. However, this categorization plays a large roll in how people deem the compatibility of a potential "mate."

For some reason I focused all of these points on the negative...as if something is wrong with me for the reason of being single. Maybe nothing is wrong and I'm just 1. too picky and 2. not putting myself out in situations where I'm more likely to meet guys. Who knows. I'd love your assessment!!

A Dry Life

2007-08-24T10:18:00.000-04:00

My esteemed swimming-wife, the Arian-Mexican Offspring, posed the question during my open solicitation for blog ideas, "If you couldn't swim anymore, what would you do?" This one is pretty simple, so here it goes...

I started swimming competitively at the age of 8 during summer league. At 13, I started year-round training--summer league and fall/winter/spring aquatics club. After high school I always trained by myself during rec swim at UNCW and Ga Tech. So in essence I've never been without swimming in 21 years (wow...that's almost as long as you've been alive A-MO). I've had the occasional breaks--like when I lived in FL for a year and, surprisingly, didn't have any real access to a competitive pool. Even then, I tried to swim in the ocean as much asi could. And also to compensate, I trained at the gym a lot harder. I was up to 150lbs (I'm 140 now), and actually forced myself to do cardio--mostly elliptical and treadmills.

When I moved to DC, I saw swimming more as a way to meet people then to get into competitive shape again, especially since I moved here not knowing a soul. Like many on DCAC, for me the team is equal parts exercise and social-networking. If I lost the ability to swim--like when I sprained my ankle after moving here and swimming for two months with the team--I'd compensate in my usual Aries way. (Typically I pretend that 'lost' things in my life are dead, and thus must cope and not dwell on them) I'm sure I'd get back to a beefy 150lbs of muscle rather quickly. Being short (5'6"), muscular physiques are often what people turn to to get attention, I'd be no different if I wasn't burring 10,000 calories a week swimming. However, the loss of swim training would leave some uncertainties in my life, such as:

Would the friends I've made on the team still include me in social activities if I wasn't on the team anymore? A lot of what we do centers around post-practice meals, social activities that are spur of the moment ideas after meets/practice, etc. We rarely have non-teammates (except swim wives) engaged in our circle of friends and activities. I'd hope this wouldn't be the case.

Would I be as regimented in including cardio into my exercise routine? Often I've skipped that component since I detest running and quickly get bored doing cardio at the gym. As 30 approaches (and subsequent years), I need to maintain some level of cardio activity to promote heart health, and keep those abs showing. Who wants a short, fat gay man? I'd definitely increase the amount of biking I do, besides for commuting purposes.

Would I find an equally interesting social group based on other activities? I contemplated joining the DC gay scuba club--but that's not really a cohesive group. The do like 1 trip a year, rarely anything often. Nothing like the interaction we have on the team--training 6x per week.

Ask the ConsummateAries

2007-08-23T12:36:00.000-04:00

Again I'm at a loss of things to write about...something about my brain being drained these last couple days. So I'm soliticing to topics/questions....

Wasting a Day

2007-08-21T16:00:00.000-04:00

I think its official...my work-related bulimic binging over the last three days has left me drained. I have no steam left in this tugboat. As of 11am, I've accomplished the following:

Sent several useless emails
Gave up on a satellite rainfall animation due to my ADD
Pretended to work on a grant proposal at the Caribou across the street
Pretended to go to a meeting, when in actuality I walked to the DSW three blocks away and went shoe shopping
Came back and wrote this pathetic excuse for a blog

Its 4pm and time to go home!

The True Measure of Success

2007-08-20T13:29:00.000-04:00

After the two-day swim meet this weekend, I just vegged out at home for a few hours yesterday before seeing Superbad. Of course, a major component of my couch potato activities is searching for, downloading, and watching porn. Now I enjoy, and have a collection, of all types of porn "genres." However, if there's one thing I cant stand (in any porn genre), its porn with plot and scene acting. But in one I was watching yesterday--filmed in my former hometown of Ft Lauderdale--there was a intro scene with a hurricane forecaster. And lo-and-behold...there was one of my images from work. An image of Hurricane Katrina slapped in the middle of a raunchy bb gay porno. YES!!! I've finally made it. Yet again, more ways in which porn intersects with my life.

The image used in the porn.

Three Words

2007-08-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

Go see it! This movie was really enjoyable. It wasn't stupid humor like American Pie, and the copious copycats that followed. And no, they didn't show all the funny parts in the trailers. There was so much good stuff they couldn't actually show on tv. As I'm tired and its late, and I don't want to spoil anything, I'll leave it at that.

Hurricanes!

2007-08-16T12:06:00.000-04:00

Its no secret to my friends what I do for a living. But I thought I'd share with the rest of you some of the stuff I've done today.

Kickass animation of Hurricane Dean and Tropical Depression Erin

You'll want to have QuickTime to see the animation above. Enjoy!

Cobbwebs

2007-08-16T08:41:00.000-04:00

In my first blog, I mentioned that one reason I'm trying to regularly write things about my life is because my memory isn't nearly as sharp as it used to be, which troubles me greatly. Case in point: last weekend there was talk about some cute, slightly hairy new guy at practice who mentioned my name. They said his name was Jared, which didn't ring any bells in my head. No big deal, I figured there was a mix up. Then last night I see this hot guy stretching on the pool deck while I'm doing warm-up. Naturally, I stop to gawk. As soon as he sees me he smiles and says my name--I'm caught off-guard. Has my reputation preceded itself that bad/well? I could only hope. But no, somehow he knew me and my name, though I couldn't ever remember seeing him in person. Of course this leads me to assume we've chatted online. So in my head I start running through the various face pics of guys I chat with lately. FACE RECOGNITION: NEGATIVE. Luckily I briefed SD on the situation and the did the very outspoken, "Hi my name is __, what is yours?" Phew, at least now I knew his name.

After practice ends I rush home, look through the folder I keep of guys face pics, each saved by their online alias--I can never remember who people are otherwise. Nope, he's not in there either. FUCK! I wait 30min and then get an IM request. DING DING DING. Chatting back and forth for a few minutes, then comes the flashback. He has a boyfriend. STATUS: NOT A REAL PERSON.

Just my luck. Someone is excited to see me, but is already hitched. GRRR! JB, where's my drink?!

Reasons Why I'm Gay

2007-08-15T09:03:00.001-04:00

...Cause women will spend 5 minutes searching around in their purse for exact change while there's a line at the register.

I'm a Tiger!

2007-08-13T16:47:00.000-04:00

Odd moment in the elevator today...Leave a meeting in one building to go back to my office in another, hop in the elevator. Two floors down someone else gets in, he almost startles me cause he looks very much like Remis Lupin, the werewolf in Harry Potter.

He then says to me, in crazy mutter-speak, "Wow, you look just like Tiger Woods, except your shirt is green not red." WOW...is he blind? First of all, my shirt was grey. So basically I was wearing black dress pants today, but lemme break it down to contast me vs Tiger.

Me: 5'6" tall, white male, gray shirt, blank pants, loves cock
Tiger: 6'2" tall, black male, various Nike shirts, black pants, only dates white chicks

Yup...only have the black pants thing in common.

Quick Thoughts

2007-08-13T09:20:00.000-04:00

Isn't it odd that Bush's approval rating has gone up lately while he's been on vacation in Maine and Texas? Seems like people think he does his best work when he's not actually working--or fucking things up even more.

Poll results

Poster Boy for the Insane

2007-08-13T08:51:00.000-04:00

Andrew Dysart's picture has been plastered all over local news outlets for his decision to wear a empty holster to his GMU classes--a sign of his desire to carry his permitted handgun on campus, which is currently (and rightfully) banned.

How crazy are these people? Do they exist in a world of such fear that they need their security blankets with them at all times? Maybe Andrew's mom took away his teddy bear at too early an age, thus he feels insecure and paranoid.

What's even crazier? The Express Poll shows that, at least from my Metro station (albeit somewhat ghetto), 60% of the public are in favor of allowing permitted weapons on campus. Right...cause there's so many mass killing sprees. I guarantee this: if they were permitted, a hell of a lot more than 32 people would be killed on campuses every year. Not only that, teachers would feel threatened by students arguing the merits of their answers to tests, pleading for a grade bump-up, etc. Martial law on campus? Yea, that's just what we need to train the next generation in how to be law abiding, peaceful citizens in corporate America.

The New Bike

2007-08-12T23:07:00.000-04:00

After an arduous search across at four DC neighborhoods and six bike shops, I finally settled on one I liked. Since there is sometimes a dearth of bike reviews, I'll give mine for the models I tested. Ultimately, I was looking for something around $500 (so I can afford to have it stolen again), hybrid (but a rugged one), smooth gear components, and a more aggressive geometry--I didn't want to sit completely erect. I ended up buying a Gary Fisher Wingra.

Bike Reviews
Gary Fisher Wingra
Price: $465 (Capitol Hill Bikes)
Description: My previous bike was a Gary Fisher, too, and I was happy with the ratio of price:component quality. I also very much liked the Genesis frame line, which my Marlin was part of. No wonder I liked geometry of this bike--it was also a Genesis frame, meaning I had the same body position on this hybrid as I did on my mountain bike. Excellent. That was the most important selling point. The more forward position really allows ya to churn through those steep hill climbs--something very common in DC, especially in Adams Morgan, where I live. If you've ever gone up 15th St NW between U and Columbia, you know what I mean. The frame is also pretty light, an aluminum alloy. Surprisingly for aluminum, it doesn't ride that rough. The gears shifted very nicely, maybe even better than my older Marlin, though those components were considered an upgrade (Shimano Alivo vs Deore). We'll see in a few months how they last. The tires were also what I was looking for--not smooth, thin road tires, but instead puncture resistant with some actual tread to help out in wet weather. Good overall blend of quality, price, and ride. This is the bike I bought. I also slapped on some toe clips, bar ends with padded grip tape, a Pit-Bull U-Lock with additional rear tire chain, and head/tail lights.

Others Tested (in no particular order)
Jamis CodaSport
Price: $480 (City Bikes)
Description: This bike was silky smooth in its gearing, but I felt like I was straight out of The Muppet Movie, where Kermie and Piggie are biking down the road in their cruisers. It felt like I was sitting completely upright, which I did not like. Also, as a gay man, the paint job was something to be desired.

Giant FCR3
Price: $495 (The Bike Rack)
Description: Not bad, overall middle of the line. This one did not shift as well as the Jamis, and the geometry was somewhere in between the Fisher and Jamis, but still a little too erect. Tires were a little too much on the "road" side of the continuum. The weight was great on this, very easy to carry up the Metro escalators (or so I could tell).

Trek 7.3
Price: $480 (Revolution Cycles)
Description: Since Gary Fisher and Trek are owned by the same parent company, these two bikes were pretty similar. Good body position and components, for the money. The Fisher edged this one out because of the tires, I also did prefer the rugged powder black paint on the Fisher over the glossy blue of the Trek.

Marin Lucas Valley
Price: $799 (Big Wheel Bikes)
Description: Nice bike, just too much money. The frame was an aluminum and carbon fiber composite, making it very light, but able to dampen shock. Shifting was smooth and the geometry was great. Shame it wasn't $200 less. But that's the trade-off between money and performance.

Can a ConsummateAries be Courteous, Too?

2007-08-09T14:18:00.000-04:00

I constantly find myself in conflicting situations. Raised with the proper manners of any outstanding suburbanite, I always say "thanks," hold doors open, and let people ahead of me, especially women. Herein lies the conflict with my Aries...I'm very competitive and Type-A; this manifests itself as me being a fast walker and always in a rush. So after I let everyone go in front of me to exit the elevator, I try to zoom right past them to get out of the building door. Quite often I get stuck behind slow walkers--the most annoying things in my life. The only time I'm not ultra-courteous is when I'm on the Metro. Its every man/woman for himself. I don't give up my seat, unless its for someone old or disabled, and I'll fight to get in the car so I can have my choice of seats.

My Favorite Injun, Part II

2007-08-09T09:56:00.000-04:00

As I first described here, there is a very colorful bum who sits outside my office building, at the Silver Spring Metro overpass. His antics are legendary, at least in my small universe. Today was the coup de gras...a personal interaction with the "Silver Injun." At around 9:40 I gave into my coffee craving, not having any 1/2 and 1/2 in the fridge at work, I decided to walk across the street to Caribou and purchase a chalice of my favorite nectar of the gods. As I walk out of the glass doors in my building, there's the Silver Injun down the walkway...not in his usual Metro location. He sees me 30 feet away and starts a ritual. I wasn't sure if it was tai-chi or an incantation--I guess we'll find out if I die in the next 36 hours. Of course I walk by him as if he's not there. Bums are dead to me, they're not real people. And unlike Haley Joel Osment, I don't see dead people.

As I return with my Organic Light Blend, creamed and sweetened, there he is again...and we have yet another mono e mono. As if the incantation didn't suddenly make my wallet burst forth and spill into his Big Gulp cup, he decides the mumble-yelling "HO! WA! HE!" might do the trick. I walked into the safety of my federal contractor-protected building, wondering, "Did I just hear a dead person?"

Become Wrath, Become Vengeance!

2007-08-07T09:38:00.001-04:00

I've discussed my bike on several occasions (such as here and here). I depend on it as a mode of transportation since I am a car'less urbanite here in DC. In one of my previous blogs I wondered how I would react if my bike was stolen--since it almost happened 3 weeks ago. Sunday afternoon I went to my gym and locked my bike up outside of the WSC on Connecticut Ave. This is an exceptionally well populated area because of the Hilton next door. And the bike racks are blocked from the street by a line of cars, so I usually felt pretty secure there. You can see where I'm going with this. I decided to work my ass off at the gym, staying twice as long as usual. I emerged from the dungeon-like atmosphere at WSC to find three bike racks completely empty--including the one me bike was attached to. No signs, no cut locks, just empty racks. Some S.O.B. had a banner day.

I told GCC the other week when we were discussing this issue that I would probably cry if my bike was stolen. Surprisingly, I didn't. I think our conversation, which could be summed up as "having your bike stolen is inevitable, its bound to happen sooner or later", prepared me for this moment. It took 5 seconds to register what happened, then I started walking home--as it started to rain. Luckily I caught some cops at the Starbucks and filed a report--very fortuitous, since it meant not having to wait hours to do it after calling the PD. I doubt I would've filed a report otherwise. So the only remaining question is whether I file an insurance claim against it.

I'm now left wondering how I will react if/when I see my bike being ridden by some illegal Mexican in Adams Morgan. It was very distinctive--a model not sold in DC, smaller frame than average, along with some modifications. I picture a couple scenarios, and having the official police report increases my options

See the person riding it, knock them off it, and make off with my bike

Try to follow the person while calling the PD

See it locked up at a somewhere and A. disable it by removing/slashing the tires, then call the PD or B. Placing my own lock on the bike

Notice that none of these choices include being passive, peaceful, or non-revengeful. That's not an Aries trait, thus its not who I am. One of my friends left a comment on my Friendster profile, which is true...

--Despite my utter shock at learning I get on his nerves sometimes, I think [he] is an amazingly strong person with a personality that keeps you doubled over, begging for more. ...[He] exudes a simplicity of being that only comes from someone who is comfortable in their own skin. Be careful, though. Cross him, and you're likely to wind up maimed, lying in a ditch twitching uncontrollably somewhere on a two-lane road in South Georgia.

Take note, you god-damned useless life forms that roam the streets of Adams Morgan, I will exact my revenge, and it will be on my own time, when you least expect it!! Hopefully your family might recognize some party of your remains when they're shipped back to Mexico!

I'm still the world's best son!

2007-08-05T15:07:00.000-04:00

My mom made her second official visit to DC this weekend, overall it went pretty well. Luckily, my A/C outage was fixed just shortly after she arrived on Friday, which made the logistics of entertaining mom much easier. To summarize the weekend's events, I'll bullet:

I've never driven so much in DC, it was a nice change. I'm still a parallel parking Ace.
My aerobed sleeps very well
She thoroughly enjoyed going to swim practice, it brought back many memories from my youth and she always loves meeting the gays.
We shopped and shopped, taking full advantage of her SUV: two trips to Target, Linens n Things, Best Buy, Home Rule, etc. Mostly housewares; no clothes shopping
Watched three movies over 2 days: The Bourne Ultimatum (great movie), Hot Fuzz (very funny, but would be funnier with friends as opposed to mom), Underworld (we love monster movies)
Ate at Logan Tavern @ The Heights (second time, still good), 17th St Cafe (brunch was yummy as always), Mama Lucia's, Parkway Deli (mmmm...latkas), and cooked at home once
Visited The Spy Museum (save your $16 if you watch lots of The Hisotry Channel, like me)
Never went to the Vietnam, FDR, or Lincoln like she originally wanted to--too friggin hot.
Only had to do a drive-by thru Georgetown, which pleased me.
She constantly interrogated me about men I date--I quickly changed the subject each time.
I made up for forgetting her birthday last weekend.

Next time I promised her we'd go to a musical/play and do some more sights, just not in 98 degree weather.

What Never Was Is Ubiquitous

2007-08-02T22:32:00.000-04:00

I never realized how many silver Honda Civics there are in this world until I bought one back in 2000. Was it that I was just unobservant or that there was a sudden spike in their popularity with the new model. Who knows. This disparity between what is and what we realize can be somewhat unnerving, when we consider examples for are serious than silver Civics.

What was: I never used to notice people walking around with respiratory masks.

What is: Last month the news was a'flutter with the Andrew Speaker case--the lawyer from Atlanta diagnosed with an acute drug resistant form of tuberculosis. Six months prior there was another popular media case of a man incarcerated by the local sheriff in a county jail because he refused to wear a respiratory mask to protect the public from his resistant form of TB. Now I see about 1 person every other day on the Metro with these masks. Where were they before...not wearing the masks, or just not on the Metro? It does make you wonder, if it is the former case, what bugs we could have potentially been exposed to. Though an alternative hypothesis could be that these people are now just overly paranoid as a result of the two high profile TB cases in the media.

Just as the Andrew Speaker case brought attention to our the laughable Homeland Security systems and the inability of the CDC to prevent the potential spread of infectious diseases, I now have a feeling a similar hypersensitivity will occur as a result of the Minneapolis bridge failures. Will we become more paranoid about where we drive? Lord knows people will avoid the beaches once a few shark attack stories hit the news (see the over-hyped "Summer of the Shark" if you don't believe me).

Packing it in

2007-08-02T12:48:00.001-04:00

One might assume by the title of this blog that it would be another discourse on being a top, or something of the sort. Nope. Right now I'm literally listening to the woman next to me pack it in for good. Today's her last day, after 35 years as a federal employee. Good for her! As a GS-15, she'll be raking in at least $75k a year in pension and benefits (she's one of the head budgeting people, but why she has an office next to me, I'll never know).

Each time I've packed up my office to leave one job for another, I've always been ecstatic. I was fed-up with grad school, couldn't wait to move on; loved the idea of screwing over my asshole 'Head Master' at the private school I taught at; was literally jumping for joy when I got this job and left that horror of a life and job in South Florida. Needless to say, my sense of accomplishment during each packing was pretty limited. How much can you really account for in 1-4 years of work? Not much. Now 35...that's something. Then again, she did 35 years of federal service, so I probably did more during 4 years in grad school.

So here's an Oprah moment for all of us. List your top 5 professional accomplishments, or things you re most proud of.
1. Scientific publication at the age of 22.
2. Inspiring students to change majors and become biologists.
3. Seeing my work in the news/tv/books/museums.
4. Making my boss in FL realize that you cant treat people like shit.
5. Accepted into PhD program at the age of 21 (but left at 25).

Unmentionables in Plain Sight

2007-07-29T21:38:00.000-04:00

I thoroughly enjoy having people over for dinner. For one thing, it gives me an opportunity to cook, which relaxes me and gives me a sense of accomplishment--something I'm often lacking on the weekend. But another good reason for having people over: it forces me to clean, or at least pick up the apartment. So after a pound of pasta, sauce, pound of chicken parmesan, and two pounds of sausage (not to mention a big loaf of garlic bread); an enjoyable game of poker; and simple chit chat, I thought the night went well. Then I had to pee.

It is then I noticed that I somehow overlooked putting away certain unmentionables while cleaning the apartment today. Yup...there it was, in plain sight...my cock ring, sitting on the bathroom sink.

As both The Imelda and GCC certainly noticed this at dinner, I feel this is a great way to apologize (if needed), and clarify why it was sitting there. No, I didn't get laid--far from it. Just one of the "I think I'm gonna jerk off with my CR on today"...it does make things a bit more enjoyable, I wonder why i don't do it more often (I'll have to make a mental not to do it, just not before having company over). And don't worry...my hands were thoroughly washed afterwards, and before I started cooking ;-)

The amazing thing...knowing how unabashed, outspoken, and quick to call someone out both GCC and The Imelda are, I cant believe they didn't mention it the whole night!!

My Life Starring Parker Posey

2007-07-24T23:58:00.000-04:00

We often see a movie and self-identify with the character, then argue with our friends saying, "no, that was totally me!" Tonight, however, was different. It started with a bit of masochism--TOA asked me out to a movie yesterday, I agreed. We went to E Street to see Sicko (though I wasn't too keen on it). Luckily "Broken English" started at the same time. I had no idea what the movie was about, never even saw an advertisement for it before. All I know is Parker Posey has a habit of picking good films, and it beat watching Michael Moore bitch for 2hrs about problems we'll never fix.

I enjoyed the movie thoroughly, laughed at PP's hangups, neuroses, and marveled at her amazing character acting. Some parts were eerily similar to my own life. There I was, sitting next to the guy I still have a crush on, him rubbing up against me in the movie theatre, watching a story about a girl who always thinks she finds the right man, only to be let down by some unknown detail--they're already taken, don't live locally, not interested in relationships, etc. And her solution? Drown her sorrows in wine, stiff drinks, and pills. Atta gurl! She totally lived the "Sure I can get laid, but no one will love me" life. In fact, a striking comment (amongst many) was Mom: "You've had some good boyfriends"; PP: "Mom, those were in college" (as she's 30 now). As I'm approaching 30, I realized tonight that I haven't had a relationship since grad-school (which were really my college years, since I lived it up then and not during undergrad).

As TOA and I left the theatre he said that he didn't like the movie, I mentioned that I liked it, probably cause I could identify with the main character. He, obviously, didn't. It was hard for him to grasp the concept of ignoring past mistakes while getting swept up in the moment of puppy love. Of course the movie ends happily, but it caused the walk home from the Metro to be entrenched in self-reflection. The point of the story was that you cant have a decent relationship unless you know and love yourself first. I totally believe that, and always lookout for #1 before all others. But I don't think that knowing, loving, and taking care of oneself will protect you from the shitheads out there. PP had a string of men like TOA in her life, as I have too. And, like PP, I sit here blogging and drinking my glass of Malbec so I may find satisfactory sleep.

I AM THE CHAMPION!!

2007-07-22T19:57:00.000-04:00

On Sunday I reasserted my alpha male standing with the team. The much hyped-up showdown between Nicole (the ex-gf) and myself was truly one of my greatest swimming accomplishments (not that I have many, if any at all). At first, I thought I was safe...we got placed in different heats, so at least I could compare times after it was all over, but not be embarrassed by her kicking my ass. I knew that if she did beat me, I'd never hear the end of jokes about my bottom'ness, or who the 'real man of the relationship' was. But then a teammate volunteered to switch heats with me so I could be in the lane next to hers: nervousness returns. Not only did she look strong during warm-up, but I was totally slack at practice to prior week and felt weak that day. Luckily, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a competitor--no matter how personally embarrassing it might be for me to swim behind various people at practice, I can always turn it out at the meets. This is not to assert that I'm "good" by any standard, I just do much better relative to others in competition.

BAM! The gun goes off, and at the 25m mark I already have a body length on my once muscular-turned voluptuous ex-gf. My stroke felt good, which was reassuring. I was doing my flip turn pull down, and she had just reached the wall: 3 body lengths. Thank god. But will she come back? She was always a strong finisher; I am not. I touch the wall after two lengths of the 50m pool, winning my heat. Nicole strokes in 7 seconds behind. SEVEN SECONDS! Realize that back in high school she would easily kick my ass by 7 seconds. Life has come full circle.

So it turns out that I won the event for my age group. Yaay! My first victory in many years. More to come, hopefully.

Status: REJECTED

2007-07-20T08:58:00.000-04:00

As stated before here and here, my life is in a constant flux of bulimic tendencies. This has definitely been a BINGE week at work. Countless off-site meetings, pesky people who have nothing better to do with their day besides hassle me with trivial issues, training for the big swim on Sunday, and friends in town...all this has lead to a total lack of new content on here. In many ways, I could use a good blog (much like a good blow job), just don't have time for it this week. So I'm carving out a space of time here before letting my day go crazy again.

And one other hassle this week: TOA has voiced his desire to "just be friends" so that he can pursue another relationship with someone he met right before me. Grrrrreat, that just makes me feel so special. This "you're great, but" has happened about 5 times since I moved to DC. After really clicking they either have something already and don't tell ya, or I'm not good enough. Goes to show the saying that GCC, JB, and I always use, "Sure I can get laid, but no one will love me" really pertains to my life. In fact, its really a motif or mantra. Before I went to work today, I saw my ex Jr online and expressed how I really miss what we had. The scary thing: that was in like 2003. I've gone 4 years without any significant dates/relationships. I know, I know...some of you who are over 35, single, and bitter will say "that's nothing"...but think of it as I haven't had a relationship since I was 25, which should be the prime time of dating for any man.

Needless to say, I got shitty drunk on Wednesday night after swim practice--again, with someone I would've dated, but he chose another. Luckily I get over rejection quite well. Now I just gotta figure out a way to effectively blow-off Nicole on Sunday after the meet. Isn't it great how I bitch about rejection here, but can turn it around on someone else so easily?

IT'S ON!!

2007-07-16T08:55:00.000-04:00

I'm nervous. Nine years ago this September I broke up with one and only girlfriend (you may begin your mockery now). I haven't seen her since, though we've reconnected over the past few years by chatting online--how she found me is a story I'll address later. But in brief, Nicole was the only girl I was ever really attracted to...no wonder it was because, back then, her arms and shoulders were the size of mine now, though her abs were more ripped. I, however, was a 120lb twig. Nicole got this body from hardcore swimming, lifting, running--a level that would even impress GCC. At one point, I believe she was ranked #4 in the country in the 100 breastroke and her time was about a 1:02...insane for a girl.

Fast forward a decade. Next Sunday is the annual DCRP swim meet, and my source of nervousness and apprehension. Normally, a casual meet like this would be of no real consequence, except for the fact that Nicole will be attending just so that we can race. We actually entered the same seed time, so we will theoretically be in neighboring lanes for the 100 breast. Based on my time at IGLA (when I was in better swim shape), and hers from the UMD meet a few weeeks ago (when she was in less shape than now), I should beat her by a few seconds--gotta love the gay fountain of youth! However, besides the current level of training, there are several variables that could lead to an upset: I've never raced in long course meters before; she is a mentally tough competitor from years of high level racing; I'll probably be hungover from the night before; she wont have any events prior to the 100br to cause fatigue, I'll have the 200IM and relays.

Your job: keep me psyched up for this battle. If you're a fellow DCAC'er, don't let me pussy-out at practice. You better believe I'm going ever day this week (skipping Saturday to recover).

Also, if youre single: Nicole loves giving and getting anal. So if you're desperate, you might give in like I did back in 1997.

Undershirts Part II

2007-07-12T08:54:00.001-04:00

Previously, I vented about one of my greatest fashion pet peeves: the improper undershirt for the occasion. In my humble opinion (though there were several dissenting commenters), undershirts are to be worn to prevent sweat stains on dress shirts or provide more warmth, but not to be seen. I somehow overlooked another critical area: the undershirt showing through the dress shirt. Granted, I don't mind this for a dress shirt where you can see the sleeve line from the undershirt underneath. There's nothing we can do about that, besides buy better quality, non-paper thin shirts (which, as a Consummate Aries and perfectionist, I now do). The worst offenders are those who wear a tank top as an undershirt with a paper-thin dress shirt. My summer intern chose to violate this fashion faux-pas today; I saw him as soon as I got off the elevator this morning, its already ruined my day. What makes it even worse is that since he's black, you can see a high contrast through his thin yellow shirt, and the bright white tank top undershirt.

I digress, I never understood the point of the tank undershirt. It doesn't provide sweat management in the summer, nor warmth in the winter. Can anyone explain?

In closing, just as I don't want to see your underwear sticking out of your pants, nor dark underwear through your pants/skirt, I don't want to see undershirts either. Though as an aside, it did find it amusing that last night at practice, the new ripped, young, str8 guy on the swim team was prancing around the pool deck in his work pants and his CK's showing--and intentionally at that. Str8? I think not!

I Was Violated Yesterday!

2007-07-11T10:18:00.001-04:00

I am not a materialistic person. However, I do become attached to those objects that are intimately tied to my life. Since I moved to DC and got rid of my car (most people's primary object of affection), my bike has become integral in my daily activities. However, that relationship was almost severed yesterday.

I am always extremely cautious with my bike, I lock up both wheels whenever its outside my apartment, as well as remove the seat. I've learned over the last year and a half that DC will take whatever it can get. When in Dupont, I often lock my bike up in my friend's garage at his cafe on 17th St. Though oddly, I always feel more nervous about doing this than just locking it to a street pole. My anxiety was proved right. Apparently, someone broke into the garage yesterday and was able to cut the locks on mine and another person's bikes in the garage. Luckily the fact that I removed the seat from mine made it difficult to get away, and an employee spotted and stopped them before my bike disappeared. My friend wasn't so lucky, his was stolen.

So last night I picked it up from the cafe. I hopped on, and it felt odd. Nothing was wrong with it, just didn't ride the same. I attribute this feeling to the fact that the relationship with my bike had been violated--much like the husband who cannot have sex with his wife after she is raped. Its an intangible feeling. But it still exists. Oh well, I'll get over it. Maybe we need to take a retreat and reconnect--spend some quality time together. Of course, that's after I buy a shiny new headlight and lock.

My Favorite Silver Injun

2007-07-10T09:15:00.001-04:00

I rarely refer to people in non-PC terms. If you don't believe me, just ask my friend the Arian-Mexican Offspring. However, there has been a notable recent addition to my daily routine of taking the Metro to work and along the way passing countless bums. Surprisingly, the bums are not at the Columbia Heights Metro--maybe too much competition pushed them out, or there's just no sense in begging from the poor? Instead, they line up outside the Silver Spring Metro, under the nice shaded overpass in the relatively affluent (for MD) Montgomery County. There is an unspoken code amongst the bums at Silver Spring--one that I very much enjoy: no active solicitation for money. There are the regulars: the disabled Vet sitting on his shiny new mobility scooter with all new clothes, talking on his blue tooth, with a Big Gulp to collect money (ironically, the VA rents two floors from us...he begs from those that pay his disability); the fat black lady who sits on the ground, obviously mentally challenged; occasionally another guy on a scooter. Now there's the Injun. He makes me laugh, so I quite enjoy his recent arrival to Silver Spring.

The Injun sits in his wheel chair, with the characteristic Big Gulp begging cup common to all Silver Spring bums. However, he as a few additions that make his begging style "distinctive." At first he just sat there with a bow and arrow on the back of his wheelchair. Realize this is 20 feet from the entrance of a federal building, and 15 feet from the entrance to the Metro. He managed to escape detection by any security staff for over a week. Amazing. After his ancestral weapons were confiscated, he added feathers in his hair. Granted, I'm never one to undermine someone's attempt at accessorizing, but come on. Feathers? Maybe a nice scrunchie would be better, like JB uses. Now he also pretends his Big Gulp is a war drum and beats it with a pencil to attract attention--coming dangerously in violation of the "passive begging only" code for Silver Spring bums. Chanting would definitely result in a revocation of his begging rights.

So who are your favorite Metro DC bums?